That is if you are a Malaysian or a blogger. Specifically, a Malaysian who blogs. Well, I just want to get that out of the way in case you should feel the need to admonish my stupidity in the near future. Trust me, I know that I am stupid. Someone who is not very bright. A dolt. Have peas for brains. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. As smart as bait. Low on thinking gas. No hay in the loft. Proof that God has a sense of humour. Member of the Anti-Mensa Society. Useful as piss on a forest fire. Wise as the world is flat. Another brain in me would be lonely. Calling me stupid would be insulting stupid people.

So when Selena sent me an e-mail inviting me to participate in the BRANDS® Malaysian vs Singaporean Bloggers mental performance challenge, I acted on my first instinct — thanks but no thanks. Being painfully aware of something lacking in my brains department can be a lifesaver at times. I replied her e-mail, being as honest as I thought possible, that is admitting to my stupidity. I guess she’d went through a few notable bloggers before ending up on my site, and she e-mailed back saying that it would be easy peasy, nothing to worry about, fun fun fun. Against my better judgement, I agreed, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.

Last week she sent over something she called the BRANDS brain training kit. It was a huge ass parcel, containing 14 bottles of Brand’s Chicken Essence and some info about the event. I’ve been drinking a bottle of the chicken essence everyday since receiving the parcel. There was also a small box with a few flash cards, an indication of what the upcoming mental challenge is about. I took a quick look at the cards and almost went into cardiac arrest.

The photo above not only suggests that I have an impeccable taste in bed and pillow sheets, but also is a representation of what the brain training kit contains

I remember that we had to take an IQ test in Standard Six. It was an evaluation to see how smart we were, and the one or two lucky top scorers would be extended an invitation to continue her studies at a boarding school. For some reason, it was impressed upon us that this was a great honour. Only one girl whom I know and was rather close with received the invitation, and I have not seen her since. Not only did the skewed IQ test was proof that I was as dumb as they come, it also robbed me of a friend. So you can’t blame me if I think poorly of these stupid tests.

The fact that I can’t answer most of them is irrelevant.

Unfortunately, that is what the flash cards are about. You know, logic puzzles. Brain teasers. Riddles that will never help you in real life such as, “A mother is 21 years older than her child. In exactly 6 years from now, the mother will be exactly 5 times as old as the child. Where’s the father?” and “You are mixing cement and the recipe calls for five gallons of water. You have a garden hose giving you all the water you need. The problem is that you only have a four gallon bucket and a seven gallon bucket and nether has graduation marks. Find a method to measure five gallons.”. Who the fuck knows?!? Okay, maybe you do. What do they have to do with real life crisis, such as, “Why is this fucking Kancil driving so slowly in front of me on the right lane, and why is that stupid Camry driving so slowly next to the fucking Kancil on the left lane, making it impossible for me to zoom past these two stupid cars?”

I do not have an answer for that, just like how I do not have answers for the logic puzzles. Plus when viewed from another perspective (mine), I truly and honestly do not give a shit. Who cares how old the mother was when she gave birth to her first child? Who cares where the fuck the father is? I’ll give you 10 gallon buckets to STFU and go away. I have enough on my plate to lose sleep over.

So next Wednesday, I’ll be in the Lion City participating in the BRAND’S Malaysian vs Singaporean bloggers challenge. The Malaysian team members are RedMummy, Sultan Muzaffar, Babe in the City, KY and yours truly. I don’t think…. actually I KNOW that I will come out looking like the stupid dumbfuck that I am. So please, no rotten eggs or tomatoes… I hereby announce that I represent neither Malaysia nor Malaysian bloggers in the challenge, and that it’s all in good fun, and you will probably do better than me in the challenge. As such, you will also most likely do better in life than me. Good for you, see if I care.

I’ll also be parking my arse at Brewerkz @ Riverside Point from Tuesday evening onwards. Feel free to come join. BYOB.