scums are for the dumps

I hate poor people.

It is said that you can’t help being born; while that is sadly the undeniable truth, it doesn’t stop people like me from looking down on you with contempt and disgust. Some environmentalists say that being poor is not necessarily a bad thing, less consumer goods and less plastic used and stuff like that. There was no study done on this, I just made it up on the spot as a lame justification for the existence of poor people.

However, if someone says he steals because he is poor, would his or her actions be justified? Certainly not. Theft is still a crime and we put assorted bastards in jail to be ass-fucked by hardcore inmates for much less than that. In some countries, they chop your hand off at a public square as punishment. Yeowch.

I henceforth assume that poor people are the scums of the universe. I can make this assumption because:
1. I am not poor and therefore not part of the scums-of-the-universe agenda. You cannot be poor and NOT a scum, and
2. Too many countries are bogged down by trying to improve the lives of poor people and in the process, hindering the country’s progress. The money could see better investments in other areas, hence poor people are a menace to the tax-paying non-scum society. If you like my image association, you can check out my newly published book, titled “How to be a Self-Righteous Prick and Get Away With It”.

Why stop here? While I am at it, I would like to point out that there are other scums, while some are not poor they are still a menace to society irregardless. Like fat people. Did you not realise that your gravity-succumbing butt could take up the whole bench of a bus stop? If the pink mini buses are still in operation, you can forget about your ride and get a truck ‘cos if you’re gonna look like one…

What about ugly people? Fundamentally they function the same ways as the rest of us, only physically more horrifying. The problem we have is this: an ugly person reasons in the only way s/he can reason as an irresponsible living organism, that everyone decides for him or herself what is ugly or not ugly, according to his/her own free well. Having said that, this free will of thinking does not necessarily exist, for having being put in a container of such that the free will may not be present in the first place. A summary of the Zen-like crap that I just wrote is this: ugly people may think that it is okay to be ugly because everyone’s got his or her own opinions, and continue living life as a near social outcast.

People, this is just plain wrong.

We were all born ugly, that much I admit. Putting aside emotional stakes, who has seen a beautiful wrinkly new-born before? They were all born crinkly, beetroot reddish, covered in all sorts of unspeakable fluid; pretty much traumatising. But while most of us grow past that stage, some people remain stuck in the time warp of hideousness. I don’t sympathise with their situation because in our world today, there are SO many things one could do to rectify the God-given deformities, plastic surgery for example. All in all, there is no valid justification for ugliness except the irresponsibility of ugly people who blatantly disregard public’s sensitivity. Scums.

On the same subject of physical deformity, what about handicapped people eh? Oh boy, these people sure like to blame their genetic makeup for everything that goes wrong, don’t they? Or a mishap, wrong place wrong time wrong action. Then because of their desire to regain something they have lost (or never had in the first place), they attempt to mix in with the rest of us normal folks. I am risking life, limb (pun intended) and reputation by saying this: handicap goes against fundamental wisdom. Why? Handicap people seek to impart illogical ‘wisdom’ as if to make them more acceptable. This is similar to making up excuses for peeing in your bed, “Oh but I couldn’t help it”. Look past the excuse and you’ll see the elementary point - you just couldn’t hold it! Either that or we should start research to creating a new breed of human who can hold their bladder no matter how long.

But handicap is accepted because of moral stuff, which is a way of saying that other people feel bad for being perfect. In fact, they know that they are holding back progress and development because we have to wait for them to catch up, if ever. What do they expect, make time stand still, the world waits while they huff and puff their way along? Waste of resources, waste of time, waste of energy and everything in between. Scums.

Humanity or Forced Accommodation?

You know what? That headline above has nothing to do with the rest of what I am going to say. But it looks good, it is catchy and in today’s extremely competitive blogosphere, we ALL want to catch the reader’s attention, don’t we?

So it’s staying.

Unfortunately my brain is a tad slushed from all the Coke I’m drinking, so I do not have a nice, lengthy, grammatically correct, bombastical quote from some professional journal or research or whatchamallit that I can pass off as a sorry excuse for this post. But here’s one for the most fleeting of inspirational moments:

Bite me.

I say what I mean but I don’t mean what I say, in the process bypassing the rest of you politically-correct wannabes who hide beneath the thin veil of free speech and expression. If you even sub-consciously think you are right and everyone else wrong, be straightforward and call a spade a spade. The rest are fluff aesthetics and frankly an insult to ethics, journalistic or otherwise.

But you know, whatever.

===================================
SUANIE is the CEO, publisher, Zeus, God, Buddha, Yahweh and Supreme Leader of Suanie.net. All your base are belong to her kthxbai.

I dedicate this post to the atheist-loving members and those at the helm of theCICAK. Sucks to be you.

jack’s place fat steaks

I was feeling kind of down, what with the haze and some recent personal events that I decided I should have something nice to eat today. Jaime asked me to join her in KL but I wasn’t feeling up to painting the town red, so I grabbed KY and Carol and we had dinner at Jack’s Place in 1U.

It’s all Jaime’s fault - she introduced it to me and now I’m hooked! But you know the thing about Starbucks coffee is that it makes your pee smell of coffee as well. It’s not like seriously unpleasant, it just smells of coffee. Not like I intentionally go smell my pee, but I can’t help it lah since I’m in the same toilet, aren’t I? And I don’t get this smell with any other coffee, just Starbucks coffee. Weird, right?

Ermm.. since this is about food, I will try not to gross you out. But think about it and if you have similar experiences, let me know!

Anyway our food arrived…

Jack's Place, 1Utama - appetisers
Button mushrooms stuffed with lobster and crab meat, covered in a light layer of cheese, all baked together-gether (RM18). Yummy!

The garlic bread on the side came with our soup. Definitely one of the better garlic breads I’ve had - a generous mix of butter and garlic, just nice. I had soup of the day (RM5) which was leek and potato, quite nice though the leek wasn’t very noticable. KY and Carol had cream of shitake mushroom soup or something like that; B-O-R-I-N-G! But not bad.

But you can see that Carol and KY were very excited like small kids like that. Sometimes you just can’t bring them out anywhere…. *sigh*

Jack's Place, 1Utama - KY and Carol attacking the appetiser

KY and I had the filet mignon (RM38.90 or something like that), it’s a reasonable sized slab of meat with a piece of beef bacon, a fat baked potato and some vege - one broccoli stem, 5 carrot slices and a couple slices of onion.

Jack's Place, 1Utama - Filet mignon with turkey bacon

Both of us had it medium rare. Tender and juicy!

Jack's Place, 1Utama - good hearty steak

Carol had the Jack’s special steak, medium. No photos ‘coz it looked rather the same, just less bloody.

Of course I ate EVERYTHING!

Jack's Place, 1Utama - Suanie tucking in

Nothing better than food therapy.

H2G2 fans would appreciate this little scene we made up in honour of ‘The Restaurant at the End of the Universe’.

Jack's Place, 1Utama - Acting out 01

Spot the cow!

Jack's Place, 1Utama - Acting out 02

So if you were at 1u on Friday and you passed by these three people posing in front of the Jack’s Place signboard, no we are not n00bs from outer space. We aren’t suaku either.

Jack's Place, 1Utama - KY

Jack's Place, 1Utama - Suanie and KY

We are just bloggers :)

protein in the membrane

The whole ear sex idea was born after a stimulating (as always) conversation with Nic. Yes, he is THAT attractive. And the song by Cypress Hill just popped in my head out of nowhere.

Starved for protein maybe.

Anyway, it’s a bit lame, I’ll be the first to admit that but here goes nothing.

Suanie’s “Protein in the Membrane”

Who you tryin’ to get jiggy with ese? Don’t you know I’m watching porno?

To da one hot hunk with such tight buns
I just slap that sausage against my slice of ham
Like spam
It gets hard when I flick my tongue
Damn, you have quite a chunk
Don’t stop teasing me lobes
Wit a swift motion remove me robes
Damn
The lights are blinkin’, I’m a-blowin’
It gets better when you start a-moanin’
Oh makin’ my head spin
That’s why I go down on you so keen
Even tho me wax are nearly flowin’
Cuz a floozy like me needs protein

Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!

Do my ear over and over
They be the size of a dollar
Gonna watch dat brain get fatter
Fat chick on a diet don’t try it
Y’all don’t need no more protein lovin’
Get it in, get it out, make some noise
Leavin’ me holes sweet and moist
You know I don’t take it gently
Get some KY and rim it already
So rim me now, rim me good
Rim my chink ears just like you should
Scream me name, I’ll explain
Cuz a floozy like me needs protein

Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!

Like the Knoxville kid who do weird shit
I’ll go upside down so ya can rim my pit
Ya gotta end it soon
COME!
Shoot yer load all over my lobes
Burst at me like Peter North
All yer protein gonna come forth
Like it said give me my daily bread
I ain’t mad, I ain’t gonna be scared
Yes I want it all in my head
Of this protein that I get
Make my brain fat
Don’t ya wipe, it’s there for good
My brain’s lovin’ its new food
Now shake it inside, don’t waste it on my chin
Squeeze it dry, ya cum’s a mint
Cuz a floozy like me needs protein

Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!
Protein in da membrane, protein in da brain!

afflictions afflictions afflictions

I bet your nipples that you have heard of Feng Shui at least in one way or the other. Some people think that Feng Shui is all about placing disfigured frogs in some corner and pair of ducks in the other. Some people think that Feng Shui is about walking the mountains, studying the environment, getting directions. Some people think that Feng Shui is bullshit.

Whatever you think, I bet that very few if none of you have heard of Feng Shui Sex.

Now bear in mind that this method is not affliated with anybody nor associations. I know that some people who read my site know where I work and all so the disclaimer here is that, this is purely my own invention.

That’s right. After years of working and studying whatever resources is available to her (which is massive) Suanie has finally come up with a Chinese metaphysical way to improve your sex life. Rejoice, rejoice; there is hope for you after all, my young padawans!

Since it is a newly found method, so to speak, I cannot reveal everything. But I can tell you the gist of it… to create interest what… like how production houses release trailers to spark your interest… there is a reason they call it teasers.

For that reason, I can’t tell you how it works exactly but I can tell you how it will end up.

Feng Shui Sex!

Oh my god, oh yes, OH YES! No move to the North 0.5 degrees! Oh… mmm that’s it, that’s it… Oh fuck me fuck me harder! Wait, North 1 340 degrees now, now, now!!! OWWWWWW!!!!! Oh baby mmmm oh yesss!!! 350 degrees 350 degrees!!! Reach for 353 degrees!!!! YES YES YES!!!! Turn around go South now! NOW! MMM OH MY GOD!!! NO NO NO!!! South 3, 195 degrees you idiot! Yes that’s it THAT’S IT!!! DING DING DING* HERE I COMEE!!!! Come with MEEEE!!! Shoot it shoot it baby SHOOT AT KUN** GUA!!! CUM all over my Southwest 2 baby!!!

Exciting, isn’t it? Aren’t you at least intrigued already?

Now associate that with the person who always goes “AFFLICTIONS AFFLICTIONS AFFLICTIONS” every year on paid TV and you will lose all zest for sex, become a monk hence making the world a better place.

Right. I’m off to do serious work.

* Ding is Yin Fire, also known as South 3.
**Kun is Earth, also known as Southwest 2.
***Yes, I was just kidding.

kalama sutra - the buddha’s charter of free inquiry

Seeing that it was the Buddha’s birthday and all, I would like to share my favourite sutra, The Kalama Sutra. Since young I figured that if I needed faith, at least let it be something I have certain control over.

So the Buddha was tripping along the dusty roads of India with his disciples in tow when He reached Kesaputta. The people of Kesaputta were called the Kalamas, like how the people of San Francisco were called hippies and people of KL jakun.

Now the Kalamas were a confused bunch, not unlike drivers today who can’t make up their minds whether to turn left, turn right, go straight or not go at all. They asked the Buddha,

“Dude, you look so smart and enlightened and shiny and all. Maybe you could show us the light on an issue that has been bothering us?

You see, there have been many other teachers, monks and what-not here in our town before you. Each tells us that their teachings are the real Haagen Daaz and the others are plain Walls. If they were from Amway or Cosway selling detergent we could easily slam the door in their faces, for we know that Dynamo is the best. But we figured that since we take our lives quite seriously, maybe we should not dismiss all these preachers condemning other preachers.

So who among them are telling the truth? Who among them are lying? Is it true that the one that shouts the loudest screams no lies?”

To which the Buddha replied,

“Yo listen up! It is true that the powers of marketing and branding are strong. Yet thou shalt not unnecessarily waste your hard earned money on inferior products. Who said that Dynamo was the best? Did you? Did you? Have you tried all the other detergent available in the market?

Myself, I prefer Attack.

Likewise in life, it is easy to be misguided by the mindless dribble frothing at the crooked mouths of unscrupulous agents. All of them want a commission in some manner or the other. But what has it got to do with you, O Kalamas?

Here forth I shall spout a few chosen words, which after I die shall be known as the basis of the Kalama Sutra.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Rely not on the teacher or person, but on the teaching.
Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words.
Rely not on theory, but on experience.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

So my young padawans, what think you?”

The only thought that was formed in the Kalamas’ minds was, “Damn Dynamo”.

.::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::. .::.

What is the point of this story being told the way it was?

My point of view is that people being people will continuously hold on to something for the sole reason of it being baseless.

Emotions, facades and so on; you believe just because you want to believe.

Even in Malaysia, a lot of people still hate the Japanese for their past atrocities. Children are taught to hate with passion; your grandmother/father/mother was brutally raped/killed/humiliated, it robbed you of someone you could have known, never mind that s/he would probably die of diabetes/cancer/heart attack long before you were born.

Similarly on home ground, a lot of kids were not allowed to play outside their own races. “The Malays are perverts, the Chinese are uncouth, the Indians are dirty, and everyone else is a bad bad bad stranger who would do unspeakable things to do because you are a Malay/ Chinese/ Indian/ Lain-lain.”

And so the cycle continues.

Tolerance is a virtue, understanding is a necessity.

Feel free to expound on this.

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