As Suanie Sees It

Good friends, good beer, good food, good joint, good cheesy music, good lapse from reality. The good things in life should be as simple as that.

I’d been invited to a high school friend’s wedding in December. Of course I’m happy for her that she has found someone to be with for a long time; even my cynicism towards marriage in our society today has not changed my belief that marriage is forever. Having had time to think about this for a bit, I don’t think it’s naivety. More like my belief in the concept of marriage to be an institution of togetherness based on extended trust and good will; something sacred like two people promising to share the rest of their lives together and as it is, not one to be taken lightly. The inability to uphold the promises made is not a reflection on the concept.

By all means this is not a novelty thought, though it took me a rather long time to understand it. I fear that the last few years, young as I still am turned me into a drying prune, almost devoid of any capacity to be with someone for a long time. Once, the thought itself turned my insides over, leaving me in a shaking and shriveling ball. And it wasn’t anything more than the mere mention of ‘commitment’. I may have not been around for very long, but the things I’ve seen, heard and experienced didn’t leave me with much faith when it comes to other people besides family and friends.

But I may have been wrong all this while. People do find love, people do get married, people do want to settle down. Who knows what would happen five or ten years down the road? At this point in time, who cares? To know that there are people who stopped looking is good enough for me.

I think that may be the greatest fear. There will always be someone better, someone nicer, someone prettier, someone with all the same attributes as me, but up two or more notches. To know or to even imagine that whoever I would be with was still keeping his options open would, I think be a great blow to whatever confidence I had left. Was it something I did that made him look elsewhere? Was my initial judgment of him so off the mark that I brought this upon myself? And if that be the case, it doesn’t say much for my past, present and future judgments.

Knowing that someone else has this power to make you feel like the biggest loser in the next minute; that is not a very comforting thought nor place to be.

And he once asked me, what was I so afraid of.

You know what? This is it. I look everywhere and everyone’s happy being part of a couple, holding hands, la-da-di-la-ing in their happy happy world of two (or more) some. Ain’t bloody well fair, I think to myself. Why aren’t I part of the action, ANY action??? Maybe it’s because of a variety of things, but in my not so humble opinion the photograph of me in The Star here smashed the cupcake.

This being the final straw, I have to take matters into my own hands. Not I want to, I HAVE TO! If not for the sake of MY happiness then at least for the sake of my friends who would be glad to have me stop bitching and whining, something which I would so not totally do IF I HAD A BOYFRIEND!

So I am launching a WORLDWIDE campaign, as wide as it would go, penetrate the four corners of earth and all that to help ME get laid a boyfriend. Or at least a date. And I am asking you, my friends to get thoroughly involved in this worthwhile cause, help the needy and so on.

I totally understand the need to provide some reasons as to why anyone would want to date me. Show cause as they say. Who is this Suanie and why date her? Well you can read all about the ‘who’ part in About Me. It’s the ‘why’ part I need to tell you because if everyone knew why, I wouldn’t be so dateless and single as I am now, would I?

Now let’s get down to business. Please spread the word. I AM love.

Five Reasons Why You Should Date Suanie

1. I am an easy-going gal and very flexible

Contrary to popular belief, I am not that fussy, really. A true Malaysian, I believe in upholding the ‘chin-cai lah’ principle and often go to great lengths to exercising it. What do I want for dinner? Anything. What movie do I want to watch? Anything. Which colour I like best, blue or red? Anything.

This does not mean that I do not have my own opinions. It’s just that sometimes I feel too much argument leads to nowhere but splitsville. What does it matter if I drink teh tarik or teh O ais? At the end of the day it’s just to quench my thirst, right? So long we all happy happy get along together hold hand and all, I mean, all these are small and quite insignificant matters. Not like you are asking me if I want to buy a single or double storey house, right?

At the best of times, I know what is important and what is not important. I know when and when not to be flexible.

But I do not drink San Miguel.

2. I give you your space

I understand that everyone’s got his or her own life. I too have my own life to lead, got things to take care of, family and friends to see. I am not the type to totally cram your lifestyle just because we are together as a couple. Being the understanding person that I am, I know that being together does not mean having to do everything together. Sure I want to do things to WITH you, but I know that there are some things you need to do by yourself. Like going to the toilet. Or going out with the boys. Or seeing your ex-girlfriend for a casual meet-up.

Haha, just kidding.

No, seriously.

3. I am an affectionate, loving person

Underneath this tough leathery rubber exterior is a warm-blooded passionate affectionate romantic sentimental girl who is not afraid to express it. When you are down I hold your hand. When you feel like moaning I have a shoulder for ya. When you need a hug, look no further. I embrace PDA but I won’t go OTT.

You should be so lucky.

4. I am in touch with my feminine side

You know like how some girls get cheesed off if you open the door for them? “Oh you think I cannot open my own door is it, you chauvinist pig?” Well, Suanie is not like that. Suanie truly appreciates gentlemanly conduct and loves it if you open or hold a door for her. You want to buy me a drink? Why, that is very kind of you (beer only please), thank you.

And I can actually cook. If I want to.

Sometimes I squeal and simper, sometimes I skip a bit, sometimes I giggle. I ADORE wearing skirts, the more layers the better. I look good in high heels.

Heck, I look good in ANYTHING! Talk about versatility!

5. I’m just FUN to be with!

I know it’s a bit cliche to say this, but I am really fun to be with! I can crack silly jokes, I can be a smart ass, I can go serious ala Jeff Ooi, metamorphose be my middle name. I am not afraid to try new things. New adventures? Sign me up please.

And I love kids. Really, I do.

So how was that for reasons? Good enough? Of course they are! What are you waiting for??? If I don’t get a date after this, gosh there must be something REALLY wrong with this world! You want to talk about the changing of society? Society would be DAMNED if I don’t get a boyfriend! It would be like… like… the end of the world! And.. and… aliens and stuff!

If you have a website/blog I would truly appreciate your help in getting me laid a boyfriend. A GUY OF MY OWN! IMAGINE THAT!!! OOoo the excitement runneth my cuppeth!

So I have made some banners and stuff that you could put on your blog, even if it’s just one post. I understand that not everybody think that I’m totally hot (what’s wrong with you???) so I made some variations of the banners. Democracy? Hah, I AM DEMOCRACY!!!

If you think I’m HOT :

If you think I’m JUST OK:

If you think I’m UGLY:

The world will SOOOO be a BETTER PLACE if Suanie has a boyfriend!!!

It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out!

I have been sick, struck by severe tonsillitis - however that is spelt. Initially I thought Chinese medicine would rid my woes but as fate would have it, Western technology has the cure.

I also realised that the monthly #2 Black is in East for September. Since my house faces East and the #2 is the Sickness Star… well there you go. Also should have realised earlier that Western medicine, not Chinese medicine would help my sickness this time round. Oh well.

One reason I didn’t update since the last post was because I was ‘in touch’ with that post. It is all just pure shameless, uncensored desire, yearning, wanting for something more. Feelings, the next one stronger than this and after that and after that and after that.

Another reason was because there is nothing certain in life and in many cases, when you are down the only way to go is up. I am still… not believing? Will take a long time for it to sink in.

But I think whether or not the boat will come again is not that important. Many things are out of one’s control. So long the boat is here and now, that keeps the harbour happy. When the boat sails everything will be back to normal. Or not. Depends on what the boat is really carrying. I don’t know. No one will know except for the captain. All remains to be seen. So if you know, don’t ask me anymore. I won’t be able to tell you more than what I have said.

CherryB, you are very right. I think the worrying takes precedence over being comfortable. But I can tell you now, I guarantee that you would be smiling all the time, in your heart, even long after everything is done with. That, I think makes the wait worthwhile. And that is why we keep holding on.

“Watching you walk out of my life hasn’t made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

On certain late nights when I have no better use for my grey matter, my mind would start wandering off to faraway worlds of royalty, knights, white horses, frogs and wands.

Because it never happens to you. In this case, me. It always happens to someone else. And as fate would have it, someone you know, someone you hang out with or someone you just talk to. What about you? You are always there in the scene of course. But never on the first billing. You are the supporting actor. The one who listens, encourages and then watch on as their love story unfolds. You hear tales of how romantic the other half could be, you provide the shoulder when the drama takes a turn for the worse, you smile with happiness when the end credits come on.

I will always remember something Buckaroo wrote eons ago. Something along the lines of he wanting to be the one who makes all the grand gestures. The one who says all the romantic words. A speech that Norah Ephron would be proud of. The flowers, the candles, the violins.

I remember because I think about this notion all the time. In short, I want to be The One. To Receive. To Accept. To Smile. To Laugh. To Cry. To Give. To Lust. To Love. Joy. Intensity. Desire. Spirit. Passion.

Someone to touch. To feel his skin. To stand so close that you could hear him breathe. The tick of his ear when he is angry. The lines on the eyes when he smiles. Knuckles that grip yours so tight that they might break. Our comfortable silences. Our unspoken moments. To belong. To grow with.

When will I be on first billing? When will it finally be my turn? When will my big moment come?

I am tired of watching by the sidelines. Somehow I still believe that my own romance is not dead, hopeless. It is just buried deep underground, awaiting a fresh lease ready to carry us off our feet onto floating clouds. But will there be someone, anyone who can tell me that it is worth holding on to? Because I won’t believe forever.