As Suanie Sees It

If you’ve always wondered what wailing banshees sound like, feel free to drop by my place come Ryan’s shower time. Ryan sometimes cries when he does not get what he wants. Ryan sometimes whines when he’s told to do something that he does not want to do. Ryan ALWAYS screams when he has to go get himself cleaned. I have no doubt that our neighbours are well-acquainted with the loud howls and whimpers that come with his loathing of the shower two times a day.

I do not know what to make of this. It is not as if the kid has to do it himself, being privileged enough to have a kakak to wash him as if he was an after-dinner dirty dish. But mention to him, “Come Ryan, shower time!”, he turns into the most impossible lil’ tyke. To be precise, a most impossible kicking, yelling, screaming, crying, whining, pleading, sobbing lil’ tyke.

I related all this to Kim. She thought about it for a while, then suggested that I tell Ryan a story about boys who don’t shower. Basically adapting Johnny The Vegetarian Shark to Johnny The Dirty Shark, or something along the lines of. I thought it was a great idea, as I honestly didn’t think of it before. I decided to try it on Ryan that very night.

Once upon a time, there was a shark who lived in the ocean. His name was Johnny, and he has many friends because he is a vegetarian shark. That means he does not eat meat or fish, only fruits and vegetables. That’s why he has many friends who are fish, because they are not afraid of him. One day Johnny decided that he did not want to shower any more. So he stopped showering, and soon he became dirty and smelly. Then all his friends started to avoid him because they did not want to be friends with a dirty and smelly shark. Johnny became very sad and he cried. After a while, he realised that his friends were very important to him, and he wanted them back. So he decided to shower again. Then all his friends came back and Johnny was a happy clean shark again.

“Oh,” Ryan said slowly… “Now I want a second story!”
“But did you understand Ah Yi’s story just now? The shark didn’t shower, and he became dirty and smelly, then no one wants to play with him!”
“Yah. Now I want story about Winnie The Pooh!”
” -_-” Goodnight, bye.”

I bet my mom would know what to do. My mother is possibly the most fantastic storyteller I know. Sure, being a teacher and surrounded by kids all her working life helped, but I myself never had a teacher who could tell a tale the way my mom does. She makes up stories on the fly, she improvises on Pixar’s works, she uses different voices for different characters, she fuels your imagination with the most descriptive situations, sights and sounds. Like magic. It is little wonder that all kids love her. Ryan positively adores her, and if he could worship the ground that she walks on, he would.

One of my strongest childhood memories, as is my sisters’ is the Peter and Jane Ladybird series. It is very fundamental English — Peter, Jane, this is Peter, this is Jane, I like Peter, I like Jane, Jane likes Peter, Peter likes Jane and so on. Of course the difficulty and vocabulary increases with each book, and I read them well into high school. If you have kids, I suggest that you get the series for your children. They don’t really come cheap, but I think it’s a great way to introduce words and grammar to your kids. But make sure that you spend enough time to read aloud to them, else they’d just be yet another book with words and pictures.

My sister had purchased the entire Peter and Jane set for Ryan, and she and my mom have started reading it to him. So the other day, Ryan hauled up one of the books and brought it to me. “Can you tell me a story please, Ah Yi?” I took the book from his hands, we both lied down on my bed propped up by a stack of pillows and I began,

“It was a sunny day… Peter was still in bed… Mummy came in to wake Peter up… Wake up Peter, she said, the sun is up. You should be out in the sun. Peter woke up and asked, Is Jane up yet? No, said Mummy, I am going to get her to wake up now. Peter got out of his bed and went downstairs… bla bla bla you see the Mummy opened the window hor? You see the sun or not? What is this? What is Peter doing? What is the colour of his T-shirt? Where is Jane? Is her Mummy going to wake her up? Got sun hor.. they should go out and play hor….”

Me being one of the most impatient people I know, managed till about page 12 or so. By this time, Peter and Jane had already been up and about, gone to play with boats with their friends, rescued a stray toy boat with the help of a man with a real boat, went swimming and jumping into the pool, walked past a row of shops, walked up a hill and met a farmer who gave them an apple each, and reached their friends’ house which was a farm up the hill. Seriously, how many activities can a couple of children manage in a single day without adult supervision?

So I closed the book and proclaimed, “THE END!” Ryan looked at me, puzzled. He quietly took the book from my hand and flipped to where I’d stopped reading. Then he turned the page over…

“AH YI, GOT SOME MORE!!!”
“Where got.. no lah no more already, they went home already.”
“Got, got! Here, here!”
“Errr…”

At that moment, the maid knocked on my door for it was Ryan’s dinner time. Hurrah!

What? I think I’m an awesome auntie already, okay.

Ryan loves stories. He’s a bright kid, yes but even the brightest 3 year old is unable to comprehend words and sentences that form stories, so that means he loves other people reading him stories. I don’t remember when his parents started reading him bedtime stories, but it’s an almost everyday thing now where he would insist a story with his Milo before drifting off to sleep. Sometimes he would try to squeeze two or more stories from you, but I am usually too smart to fall for that, hah!

You see, I love stories as well. I’m sure my mother told us sisters stories when we were younger, but somehow I don’t remember them. Maybe the memories will pop up later, as they often do.

Like I said, I love stories. I just don’t like telling them. To be precise, I don’t like telling stories to kids. It is not easy (for me) to think of tales that are safe and not scary, punctuated with morals, ethics and good values. Sure, I love to tell stories to my friends and have them tell it to me in return, but I doubt Ryan nor his parents would appreciate stories such as, “My friend was driving along the highway, and suddenly he saw a female with long hair and white dress standing by the side of the road…”

Once or twice a week I’d tell Ryan a bedtime story, usually when his parents are busy, sick or just when I find myself with enough patience and goodwill to wield a tale or two. The conversation goes like this:

“Ah yi, can you tell me a story please?”
“Okay. What story do you want?”
“Uhmm…. I want…. a story about… shark!”
“Okay… shark.. hmmm. Once upon a time….”
(Ryan grabs his Milo, jumps into bed, prepares to suckle from the bottle and waits expectantly)

The last two stories I told him had sharks for leading characters, as per his request. The first one was about Johnny The Shark who lives alone in a nice house in the ocean. Johnny The Shark has many friends — fish, octopus, starfish, seahorse… Johnny The Shark also happens to be a vegetarian. That means he doesn’t eat meat or fish; he only eats fruits and vegetables. That is why he has so many fish friends, because he doesn’t eat them for dinner.

One day, Johnny The Shark decides to visit his parents, who live on the other side of the ocean. He packed a basket filled with fruits and vegetables for his parents, and went on his way. Ding dong! he rang the doorbell. His mother opened the door and was glad to see him! They hugged, and Mama Shark called out to Papa Shark who was upstairs. Papa Shark was also very happy to see his son. Johnny The Shark then presented his gift basket filled with fruits and vegetables to his parents. Mama Shark looked at it and said, “Uhmmm.. but son, we are sharks. We eat meat and fish. We do not eat fruits and vegetables.” Johnny The Shark replied, “Yes mom, but I am a vegetarian! That means I do not eat meat or fish! My best friend is a fish and I do not want to eat him. Instead, I eat apples, oranges, broccoli… they are nutritious and good for me too!” Then Papa Shark got very angry and he said, “No son! We are sharks! We eat meat and fish! We do not eat vegetables! Take this basket away!” Johnny The Shark was very sad but he did not want to make his father angrier. So he took the basket away and hid it in a corner in the kitchen.

The next day, Papa Shark was very sick. He could not get out of bed at all. Mama Shark and Johnny The Shark were very worried. So they called a doctor to see what was wrong with Papa Shark. Doctor Shark came to the house, and he inspected Papa Shark for a while. Then he said, “I know what is wrong with you! You have been eating too much meat, and you do not eat fruits and vegetables at all! That is not good!” Papa Shark weakly replied, “But… we are sharks… we eat meat… we do not eat fruits and vegetables…” “That is true,” Doctor Shark replied, “but it is important to have a balanced diet! You cannot just eat meat all the time! You must eat fruits and vegetables as well!”

Then Johnny The Shark remembered his basket filled with fruits and vegetables. He rushed to the kitchen where he had hidden the basket, and took out an apple. He gave it to his father and said, “Please dad, please just try this… it’s an apple and it’s very good for you!” So Papa Shark took the apple and ate it.

The next day, Papa Shark felt a lot better. He was not as sick as before, and he could get out of his bed without feeling ill! He called Johnny The Shark over and he said, “I am sorry son, for scolding you the other day. Now I understand we must always try something new!” And Mama Shark was very happy, and Johnny The Shark was very happy.

Rather lame, I know. Should Ryan remember this story when he grows up, I hope he wouldn’t think too poorly of his auntie who related such a story with weird nutritional and diet information to him. As for now, he is still a kid so his response was, “Papa Shark so naughty, he didn’t want to eat fruits and vegetable! I eat fruits and vegetables, I am healthy, yah?”

So that worked.

It’s true. FA nearly died this morning and she is none too happy about it. It’s not a surprise really, seeing how many people bribe their way to obtain a driver’s license in this country. It has been over a decade since I sat for my driver’s license test, but I still remember the case of a woman in my batch. I guess she was in her mid-thirties or early-forties, couldn’t read or understand much Bahasa Malaysia and had some eyesight problems. Not the type that requires spectacles mind you, but the type that makes you unable to differentiate between red, green and yellow. But guess what? She passed all her tests!

When I sold off my Proton Iswara a couple of years ago, it fetched a slightly lower price. After discounting the price reduction from a major car accident (somehow they always manage to find out, even after you sneakily fixed up the car to be all nice, functional and pretty), the used car dealer told me the price she was buying it for, and “it’s less a bit lah… because Johor plate number mah. People here don’t want one… “.

I don’t know if you are guilty of the following, but I am. Whenever someone is being an asshat on the road, I’d look at the car number plate. If it’s not from KL or Selangor, I’d angrily mutter, “Damn Penang/ Johor/ Melaka/ Terengganu etc drivers…”, never mind that I am far from receiving the Model Driver of the Year award. Hah, don’t lie, I know most of you do that too!

Penangnites have a reputation for being efficient or terrible drivers, depending on how you look at it, that is. Have you driven in Penang Island before? You must try it someday — it is truly an experience. Part of the problem is because of the poor road system and planning (same problem we have here in KL), and the other part is… I don’t know, insane drivers’ genes maybe? Let’s not even begin to talk about the motorcyclists.

Have you ever been in a car accident? I have, and I am very happy that I can be here to blog about it (as opposed to blogging as a ghost). But seriously, what are our chances of not getting ourselves into car accidents, huh? Huge torrential rains that totally fucks up your line of sight. Vehicle owners who don’t take care of their vehicles, resulting in damaged brake/ indicator lights etc. Cars and vans more than 20 years old still zipping around town, with owners almost harbouring a death wish (because it wouldn’t matter if the vehicle is totaled). Motorists and passengers not wearing seat belts, motorcyclists and passengers not wearing helmets. Motorcyclists who do not use the motorbike lanes and insist on taking up the entire lane by driving at 30kph. Motorists who drive at 40kph when they should be driving at 90kph. Motorists who drive at 140kph when they should be driving at 90kph. Not to mention our brilliant road and town planning that sees you ending up in bottleneck traffic jams around the city.

How badly did you curse when you found yourself inching along Federal Highway, only to find out 8km later that one single stalled car was the cause of your time loss and aggravation?

Ah well. Like I said, I am probably no less innocent than you on the road. Looking at statistics, I might end up flattened on a Malaysia road one day. But I still have to get around, so like it or not, I’ll have to take my chances.

I’ll tell you this much though — I feel safer staying at home being on-line via Wi-Fi than driving on Malaysian roads. The same reason why I feel safe using a mobile phone (of course I don’t use just any ciplak brand ), and when I nuke leftovers using the microwave.

Because, come on… seriously? You and I are more likely to die from a car accident than Wi-Fi radiation.

Read this: Wi-Fi - Penang gov’t doing the right thing

The last letter of the alphabet is the bane of my existence, especially when it comes to Scrabulous/ Wordscraper. I don’t know that many words with ‘z’ in them, and the ones that I do require too many vowels that I do not have. Last I checked, they don’t recognise lolspeak.

Then there’s the pronunciation. I was in my very late teens when I learned that the Americans pronounce it differently from us (us meaning those who grew up saying lorries instead of trucks, autumn instead of fall, rubber instead of eraser, petrol instead of gas, holiday instead of vacation… you get the idea).

What we call ‘zed’, they call ‘zee’. Though I suppose we don’t really call it ‘zed’, but ‘zack’. But ‘zack’ is not too far away from ‘zed’, whereas ‘zee’ is akin to a different planet altogether. I may have immersed myself in some American culture, but ‘zee’ is something that I cannot bring myself to say. Memories of my Standard Six English teacher haunt me till this day.

Unless it’s a brand, e.g. TMZ. Then I have no problem with that.

Most of you would also realise that those educated in Chinese schools pronounce it as something else too. In words, ‘zoo’ becomes ‘joo’, ‘zero’ becomes ‘jilo’ and sometimes ‘New Zealand’ becomes ‘New Jeeland’.

I am not taking the piss. Since I didn’t really pay attention in my Mandarin classes, I wonder if there’s something in the phonetics/ language that hinders the Chinese educated peps from pronouncing it as ‘zack’ or ‘zed’. I know that KY spent his primary and secondary school years in a Chinese school, but this mispronunciation doesn’t apply to him.

Well, if you have any insight, I’d love to know.

27 not because of that sorry piece of shit Katherine Heigl calls a movie, but because I turn 27 this year. Also because I didn’t win tickets to SingFest to see Jason Mraz backstage, and I’m too cheap broke to buy my own equals to needing constant reminders that it’s not the end of the world.

So in no particular order, here’s my list of 27 things that make me smile inside and out:

1. The way my dad clears his throat before he deigns to speak. Some of you have met my dad. You’d know that he doesn’t talk a lot. These days it’s a lot better. A couple of years ago, my sisters would text me lines of, “Dad and I talked for 10 minutes, history has been made!!!” Something like that. You’d be lucky to stay on the phone for more than one minute with him.

2. The way my mom smiles to herself, look up at me and goes, “I tell you a joke ar…” Then she proceeds to go on about something she’d read in the newspapers, magazine or forwarded e-mail. Doesn’t matter whether the joke’s funny or lame; we’d laugh ourselves silly afterward followed by a “WHY SO STUPID ONE HAHAHAHHAHAHA!”

3. Brother-in-law went to Seattle and bought me a Starbucks mug from Pike Place. I was very touched.

Said mug. Take witn a Nokia N82, added a layer of texture using Photoshop. Learning, learning…

4. Friends and acquaintances suggest venues to meet and the first thing they’d come up with is the Starbucks at Centrepoint. No prompting from me, mind you.

5. Looking up from my computer screen to see my pin board where I stuck the only Chinese New Year greeting card I received this year, sent by Xes. Doesn’t matter that he didn’t have to buy the card or stamp, but he took the trouble to write my name along with a greeting and signed it off. I think I’ll keep it there till the next Chinese New Year. This is not a shameless plea for you to send me cards.

6. The Malaysian Insider’s news article humorously titled, Stop the probe, Anwar tells police. I know, I know… serious case and injustice and conspiracies and rights and all… but puns everywhere are killing me.

7. The kakak at my usual lunch hangout asks, “Biasa?” and I nod and she screams off, “Nescafe ais kurang kurang manis!!”.

8. The memory of Doraemon eat shit and die story as told by G. It has been… I don’t know, at least 5 years?! It still cracks me up whenever I think of it.

9. Sisters.

“What do you want for your birthday?” they asked.
“Nothing”, I replied.
“Huh, nothing? Why?!”
“I am old already mah.”
“Oh. So what do you want for your birthday?”

10. Su Ann going, “I give you Reese’s peanut butter cup! I give you Oreo! I give you cookie!” I find it very amusing.

11. When I take a midnight stroll in the garden and the air is cool, the stars aplenty and the moon big and bright. I’d think of Chang-Er, the woodsman and the rabbit. It’s hard to remember that it’s all rocks and craters when it’s so beautiful from here.

12. Looking at Ryan’s photos when he was younger and remembering when, why and how they were taken.

Another texture thing. Rather amateur but lazy to further edit

13. Ryan earnestly announcing that he would protect me from naughty monsters.

14. Every time I have to adjust my car seat after my sister drove my car. Heheh.

15. Janice calling me, “SUUUUU AAAAAAAA NEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” on an exaggerated note, with feeling. By the way, she was the one who nicknamed me ‘Suanie’.

16. Computer-generated e-mail from CD Baby titled, “CD Baby loves Suanie”

17. Computer-generated e-mail from CD Baby with the content:

“Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved “Bon Voyage!” to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Tuesday, July 15th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as “Customer of the Year.” We’re all exhausted but can’t wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sigh…

Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby”

18. Seemingly endless fields and sheep and blue sky and tarred road on the way to Hyden. Sometimes I’d think back and bitch about it because it was a long journey to see a big rock. Sometimes I’d think back and smile lots and lots because from another perspective, it was a rather nice long journey, especially when someone else did the driving so you could feast your eyes on everything around you.

I made it to the top, yo! Well, it wasn’t very difficult

19. KY introduced me to Jack as ‘Suan’. Shook hands, said hello and I gave Jack my blog name card (yes, I have one). He studied it for a while, then asked, “Oh, Suan with a silent IE?”

20. Driving all the way from Batu Pahat to Kluang with Charmaine to consult a fortune-teller (who supposedly kept imps). Upon returning, broke up with then-boyfriend because fortune-teller said the relationship would not go anywhere. The look on his face when he found out the reason… bwahahaha!

21. My 21st birthday celebrated at Beach Club. Lots of cheap whisky and assorted booze and friends from hometown. Started drinking at 9 p.m., ended at 12 a.m. only because I was too pissed to continue. Lost my Samsung mobile phone, lost consciousness for about 5 minutes, lost my shoes and all dignity as I trampled barefooted along Jalan P. Ramlee to the car, held up by a couple of friends. Next day woke up with the biggest bump on my head. Apparently I’d bumped myself (and my head) all over the walls en route to the Beach Club’s loo.

22. As a kid, I was told that my birthday falls on the 22nd. I’d consult those calendars you pin on a wall waiting for the 22nd of every month, and was sorely disappointed when my late grandmother did not prepare my (monthly) birthday feast

23. Artie Lange on Jessica Simpson: “To me and my longshore buddies, Jessica Simpson will always be the bitch who broke up 98 degrees. The words of Nick Lachey spoke to me.”

24. 42.

25. Spontaneous trip to Singapore where I first met AND bunked with Pinky. Waited at the bus station for Pinky to get me. After a long while, I decided to call her. Did not have international roaming at that time. I approached 2 Japanese men and asked them if they had Singapore coins for me to make a phone call. One of them led me to the nearest Coke machine, and to my horror dumped shit loads of coins in it. Coke came out, he handed it to me with a nod. I was stunned, could barely mutter thanks. Then decided to approach them again, made wild gestures of coins and phone call. He gave me some coins. I reached into my pocket to hand them a dollar note but they’d ran off. Like, RAN.

26. Awesome colleagues who photoshop and simpsonise fellow colleagues, tell bad jokes, make terrible puns and pick up tunes from where you left off.

Done by the one in black

27. The seductive smell of Body Kouros by Yves Saint Laurent on a man. It is dangerously intoxicating