As Suanie Sees It

This article on NST tickled my funny bone.

Because if they were so self-righteous in the sense as to clarify that (i.e. oh Badawi never said that…) and (i.e. Mahathir actually did this last time…), how about reading this article on NST, where the terms:

- opposition
- exploited
- non-Malay rights issues

… jump at you like sharks. Tak nampak any clarifications pun? Probably (some people) never attended the ceramahs kot.

By the way, I wonder why my newspaper vendor did not deliver yesterday and today…

And check out this article on The Star. Why so horrified? Not like DAP got herpes. I don’t see Loke Siew Fook or Kamarul Baharin wanting to stab themselves with AIDS-infected syringes after KJ won Rembau.

Admittedly I am (way, way, way, way, way, way) far from being the best looking, or most well-groomed person in the world. The least I could be arsed to do is to appear in society draped in some semblance of clothing. Beyond that, I am part of the I-don’t-really-give-a-shit posse. Trust me, it shows.

However some things still need to be taken care of. That is what separates me from the street bums, and much to my mother’s relief, it is still somewhat important to me that I highlight the distinction (damn you, societal pressure!). Mind you, I don’t like doing them, but they are just one of the inevitable to-dos, rinse and repeat. I’d still like to share with you the 4 personal grooming to-dos that I wish would fuck off and die; these are right on top of my most hated list, and I’ll tell you why.

1. All the hair on top of your head
Throughout history there has been a fascination with hair. References and compliments to what people consider to be beautiful hair have been found in poems, songs, books, movies; basically in all communication forms since the usage of papyrus. Don’t get me wrong — I like my hair (except for the greying bits) and I am very happy that I am not going bald. But I also want my cake and eat it too. You see, hair grooming is one of the most tedious things there is to be done. I think I am at a phase — a stage of my life where I know that I want THIS hairstyle for the next few years or so. Not just that; I want it to be the EXACT length and flow as it was after leaving the hair saloon. Hair growth should be criminal. Do you know how expensive it is for a female to go to a hair dresser who will not do a sloppy job of unprofessionally chopping off your hair? Do you know how irritating it is to have your fringe growing back and becoming a nuisance by lingering at your forehead? Fuck you fringe, go back up 1.5 inches where you belong and stay the fuck there. There should be a super duper remote control that dictates the length and shape of your hair for X amount of time. I for one do not mind paying a small fortune for that. It would save me so much trouble, money and emotions. I have other stuff to get emo about. Hair should not be one of them.

2. Those pesky, unnecessary underarm hair
I hate underarm hair, mostly because I live in a country where the weather is hot and humid all year long. Sure, I can spend money on deodorants (which I do, so stfu), but that does not stop the fucking underarm hair from growing, does it? Even French women are shaving these days. Which brings me to another rant; why the fuck is underarm hair considered hideous and unsightly on women, yet men proudly go around shirtless and hairy? All those females picketing for gender equality should first leave their armpit hair unshaved and untampered before preaching their usual sermons. If you can’t do that, then you have no right to yadda yadda about gender inequality, because gender IS unequal. I have no time to debate on fluff such as; when fighting for gender equality, it means work opportunities bla bla bla. Bull. I am right and you know it.

3. Stop growing, you stupid nails!
Nails should be long enough for only two things — washing your hair and digging your nose. I hate trimming my nails. It takes up 15 minutes of my time, and they grow back so fast that you are forced to trim every fortnight or so. That is half an hour every month! Do you know how many 40 winks I could catch in that half an hour? Or various other world domination-related activities I could have accomplished by NOT trimming the damn nails?! If it were up to me, no one should have nails. In lieu of the useless keratin, we would have more flesh instead. Or money. Cold hard cash should grow at the tip of my fingernails. Chronic nail biters and those prone to nail diseases would be so grateful to me. In short, me = great.

4. Would you like that rounded or arched?
Till this day I wonder to whom we have to thank for making eyebrows a grooming statement. It’s eyebrows, for crying out loud — in all purposes of evolution, they are meant to divert sweat and rain from going into your eyes. But nooooooooooooo, some genius just HAS to remove a bit of hair here and there, then proclaim to the world that ‘THIS IS THE PERFECT EYEBROWS, FOLLOW MY LEAD, BITCHES!’. Hmmm. Fuck you. If I knew who the fuck you were, I’d go round your house and execute the bloodiest massacre that would make Don Corleone look like a rookie. If you were already dead, I’d dig up your coffin and set your rotting corpse on fire, extinguish it, repeat x10000. Unfortunately I have absolutely no information at all (lucky you), so I am reduced to scolding a nameless mental image I have on you on the Internet. You fucker, you.

I’m spent.

You know there are times when you have been asked this question, “Who would you like to meet?” More often than not, the answers would be assorted movie, music or business celebrities, ranging from [insert celebrity name here] to [insert celebrity name here]. Then you have the pragmatic but overly general lines such as, “someone who will make me happy”. Much easier said or written than done. If you are someone like FA, directions obtained from the finest crafted and most accurate lou pan would at most be vague.

But think about it: if say, you are face to face with Samuel L. Jackson, what would you say to him?

“Hi Mr. Jackson, so pleased to meet you, I am a huge huge fan.”
“O MAI GOAD I CUNT BELIF AI EM STANDING IN FRONT OAF EWE O MAI GOAD!”
“I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane! Har har.”

Either way, Samuel L. Jackson would politely thank you and move on. What, that’s it? Yeah ‘cos you are not his wife, you are not his kids, you are not a studio producer asking him to star in movies, you are not representing any company who will make him richer via endorsement deals… in short, you are nobody worth him sucking up to. You are so nothing that emptiness rejects you.

Unfortunately it is a concept that most of us do not comprehend, or do not wish to comprehend. People refuse to believe that ALL celebrities, including those they so desire to meet are in fact selfish and only wish to make lots of money and move on with their lives. Does that sound like me and you? You bet it does. The only difference is that they make a hell lot more money than we would ever see in a few lifetimes and that makes their lives more interesting than ten midgets snow blowing in a wildly imaginative porn scene. Even that is mild by their standards. If I make $20 million for 3 months work, I would get 20 midgets and a horse.

Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t care about you. Donald Trump doesn’t care about you. My Chemical Romance don’t care about you. Gisele Bunchen doesn’t care about you. Oprah Winfrey doesn’t care about you. Tom Cruise doesn’t care about you. Hugh Jackson doesn’t care about you. Queen Elizabeth II doesn’t care about you. Tiger Woods doesn’t care about you. The tallest guy in the world who broke the Guinness World Records doesn’t care about you.

That is why family and close friends rock.

p/s: I am not emo at all. Nothing happened that got me writing this post. It is so random that I remembered I have a blog and proceeded to type away.

But you know I am right

Two years ago, I bitched about menstruating and its economics on this blog. Two years later, I am still menstruating and still not adverse to airing my dirty linen in public (figuratively).

Seriously, this whole menstruating business is so BLOODY UNFAIR. Since 1994, I’ve never menstruated ‘on time’. Even the irregularity of my periods are irregular. I envy those who can bleed faithfully every month — at least they know what to expect, and not necessarily the actual menstruation either. For me, the biggest bullshit about this whole business is the physical pain and emotional drain I (and every other female) experience days leading up to the real deal.

I used to get it really bad — days of mood swings and PMSing and I was never good at hiding it. The last couple of years were better — irregular as they were, I managed to mask the symptoms because it is unfair to people around me to suffer the brunt of my emotional outbursts and breakdowns. KY would remember, lmao! You poor thing

But last week it was really bad. It’d been pretty much regular for a few months now, then suddenly I am not bleeding as I should have been. One month gone… one and a half months gone… well NOW I am bleeding lah, but it’s been two months since I last menstruated.

Not that I am unhappy that I am not menstruating on time. Sanitary pads and tampons are not the cheapest things in the world, you know. If I were a bitch, I could just drop blood all over the place and not get a spanking from my owner. If I were in the Stone Age, I could just not give a damn.

That’s besides the point. If I don’t menstruate on time, I still get the symptoms — which means I would get backaches and tummy aches and feeling bloated and grouchy for much longer than I should have. It is accurate to say that I have been PMS-ing for one full month now. THAT IS NO FUN AT ALL! I DON’T EVEN WANT KIDS OF MY OWN!!

Paul says I could have everything snipped off and the periods would stop. I wonder how true is that.

Just so we are clear, the following is a rant against Jerry Seinfeld.

I liked ‘Seinfeld’. It was a funny show, the scraps that aired on TV for so many years were too hilarious and outrageous not to be liked. That said, the show wouldn’t be what it was if it weren’t for its stellar supporting cast (and more importantly, Larry David). The stand-up Jerry Seinfeld bits added in before and after the sitcom were so lame, you couldn’t pay me to attend a 5-course sit-down dinner prepared by a 3-star Michelin chef and watch Jerry doing stand-up comedy. I don’t think it’s worth the aggravation, but that’s just me.

So Jerry Seinfeld is a millionaire many, many times over, thanks to the continuous worldwide syndication of ‘Seinfeld’. According to Forbes mag who loves compiling lists on every rent-a-celeb who made bank, Jerry Seinfeld made the most money via TV after Oprah. If I were Seinfeld, what would I do with all that money? Why, sit in my US$32 million home (that I demolished and rebuilt), get on Facebook to play Scrabulous and even watch Larry David’s ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ to fully realise what a genius he is, have hardcore sex with my wife and spend quality family time with kids of course! In between all that, I would have gathered intelligence that the world is not really interested in Seinfeld after ‘Seinfeld’, so I should just shut my trap and enjoy fluffing about being a multi-millionaire.

Unfortunately it was not to be, and now that we have to cross this bridge, here are reasons why I will not be watching ‘Bee Movie’ anytime soon.

1) Can you spell L-A-M-E? Everything about ‘Bee Movie’ is lame. During a cinema outing a couple months ago, I was forced to sit through a few minutes of Seinfeld in a bee costume whining to Spielberg about something’s not going to work in the most unfunny promotional movie teaser ever. You were right, it wasn’t working then, it is not working now. Hey, ‘American Gangster’ made US$7 million more than ‘Bee Movie’ over the weekend, and they were showing in 1000 LESS theaters in America. So much for all the hype, buzz, tie-ups with various large corporations and appearing on ‘30 Rock’ and Oprah… all for naught. ‘Ratatouille’ made US$9 million more than you did on opening weekend, and it was already Pixar’s first disappointment since ‘A Bug’s Life’ US$33.3 million in 1998. Is it me, or are movie-goers trying to tell you something?

2) “Give Bees a Chance”. If you have never heard of that line before ‘Bee Movie’, it’s okay; it has only been played on the Howard Stern Show as a part of the marketing slogan for BeeCeuticals Organics for about 400 times since last September. Now BeeCeuticals is suing Dreamworks Animation and Paramount Pictures for trademark infringement. Good. I hope they win.

3) For ‘Finding Nemo’, Pixar engaged the services of an ichthyologist as to prevent as much technical inaccuracies as they could. In ‘Bee Movie‘, drones have stingers and collect nectar, bees do not die after stinging and male mosquitos suck blood. Maybe that’s why ‘Finding Nemo’ will go down in history as one of the finest animations ever to grace our screens (the audience in the cinema hall where I watched it clapped loud and hard), and ‘Bee Movie’ will end up like ‘Antz.’

4) Jessica Seinfeld wrote a cookbook on how to disguise healthy food into a mash of unrecognisable pulp so that kids would be deceived and eat them. Some people on various forums and message boards noted similarities in the book’s content with that of another book which was published 6 months earlier. Personally I think that both authors are dumbasses, for the pure, simple logic that if you feed your kids with ingredients that they can’t recognise, chances are that they wouldn’t touch the food in its original form when they are older. So what, you are going to make them eat vegetable puree for the rest of their lives? But that is not my battle. Jerry Seinfeld went on David Letterman calling the other author a ‘wacko’ for ‘accusing his wife of vegetable plagiarism’, comparing her to a stalker, when the fact of the matter is, neither the other author NOR her publisher came out to accuse Mrs. Seinfeld of anything! Talk about jumping the unnecessary gun.

5) Jerry Seinfeld is so in love with himself that he thinks everyone on Earth should know everything there is to know about ‘Seinfeld’. What, can’t take a bit of a jab by Larry King? Self-consumed git should have stayed home.

Even without going into his personal life, Jerry Seinfeld just irritates the shit out of me with his constant fake puzzled look and annoying whiny drawl that I felt like smashing my laptop, but managed to stop myself in time because I paid RM4k for it. Jerry Seinfeld is so not relevant anymore, it’s not funny. You are not the master of your domain. Go get stung. You suck.