As Suanie Sees It

Following BBC News Magazine’s article on songs allegedly used by American interrogators to mentally torture Iraqi POWs, I thought I’d come up with a similar list of my own. It isn’t that difficult; just a matter of unlocking some parts of my brain to remember certain songs that would make me reach for a carving knife and decorate myself ala The Joker. I exaggerate of course, but ever so slightly.

Before all that, insert necessary spiel on how: this is my blog + my list + mine mine mine + if you don’t like it + if you disagree + if you violently object to my selection = I really don’t give that much of a shit. Go make up your own suicide-inducing song list.

But if you agree with my list, then I probably like you. A lot.

Having said all that, you will notice that I skipped out on the Simple Plans, Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montanas and Jessica Simpsons. The first two because I can’t stand ALL their songs anyway, the third because I am not a teenager, and the fourth because I respect good music.

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11. Don’t Worry, Be Happy - Bobby Mcferrin

Unless you are Jason Mraz or Monty Python, whistling in any form pisses me off. It makes me want to shove my hand down your throat and seize your larynx because you are not using it as the great almighty intended for it to be used. If you whistle around me, I probably hate it and my skin would crawl up inside me. But I am too polite to tell it to your face.

10. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

Hey hey, you you I don’t like your girlfriend
No way, no way I think you need a new one
Hey hey, you you I could be your girlfriend

Oh, you needed elaboration?

9. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas

I tried to give this song a second chance, seeing that I am generally okay with Black Eyed Peas’ tunes. Locked and loaded on my Winamp, hit ‘Play’, then shit happened. From a near distance, I heard mortar-fired shells as I dived into my bunker fearing for my will-be-useful-soon life. Over at Antarctica, thousands of Emperor penguins found strength in their wings and flew off in protest over unpaid royalty from La Marche de l’empereu. McDonalds serve zero calorie. Anwar was arrested. It will take untold catastrophes for people to realise that some things aren’t meant to be.

8. Stole - Kelly Rowland

Indeed, Greg and Mary could have been something greater if not for unexplained acts of violence that wrecked their futures. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. As Kelly Rowland tried to shake off Beyonce’s larger-than-life career, she brazenly sent a message to kids that they should stay in school and pay attention to their English lessons so they could prove her wrong when they grow up. Hopefully she did mean that, else it would be a fucking embarrassment to have the line “her life was stole” in pop existence. Go back to school, bitch.

7. Crank Dat - Soulja Boy

Does anyone dig’ what da fuq Soulja Boy wuz mouthing about? Does anyone dig’ da viral video movement dat exploded on MySpace an’ YouTube? Lemme know ‘n shit.

6. In The End - Linkin Park

Then, 2001. Now, 2008. Get over it, clubs.

5. Butterfly - Crazy Town

Refer to #6.

4. I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry

How annoying is that song? Especially when the Malaysian censorship board cut out the ‘girl’ part? Who seriously cares? A lot of girls will be bi-curious at some point in their lives. Half of them will do nothing about it, and the other half will pursue it their own ways. While the statistics are my own, there are only 2 categories for girls who kiss other girls: a) girls who kiss girls because they are lesbians, bisexuals and/or bi-curious; and b) girls who kiss girls in front of men who think that girls who kiss girls are so hot z0mg let me fuck two lesbians now. Katy Perry strikes me as someone who belongs in Cat B and that pisses me to no end because I hate people who act out just to get someone else’s attention. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

3. We Built This City - Jefferson Starship

There was a time when I really loved this song and I had it on repeat at work, in my car and at home. That is why I deem myself most qualified to spread the word that this song will make you go crazy on infinity loop (hi Bob). Run for the hills, grab your women and children and save yourselves from the song most consistently voted as one of the worst in history. Be a survivor like me, say cheese!

2. Sara - Starship

I once knew a girl with the same name as the song title. She claimed this song to be her favourite because it reminded her of… her. Such audacity in self-worshiping cannot and will never escape my notice. Unfortunately it also reminded me of her ever since then and I can’t think of a worse way than being forced to do that for a long, long time.

1. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion

The white bitch wins. I will tell you everything I know.

Honourable Mention:

Umbrella by Rihanna, Marie Digby, Manic Street Preachers and just about anyone lame enough to sing, remix, and/or perform this piece of highly annoying crap.

This was a piece of shit, until Tiesto remixed it into this:

Boring and lifeless* my arse.

*Citation needed

Question: Does this make you want to cum?

Lazy to elaborate, but you can read the context at Marina Mahathir’s blog. I would have purchased a secondary school uniform and cam-whored to death in it, but then I remembered that I am fat and ugly.

But you get my point, yeah?

The world has to live with my unruly eyebrows yet another day because someone has yet to invent an intelligent single-driver vehicle that would be smart enough to go park itself at some location far far away while waiting for its owner to be done with whatever the owner needed to do, only returning at the push of a button to pick up the owner at the drop-off location.

Someone heard me? Good. Get to work.

One of the favourite essay topics that various people love to throw around is the question, “what makes Malaysians Malaysians?” Feel free to include your own variation of the question, but I guess it still tickles people’s fancies to try define nationalism or patriotism; generally a Malaysian identity. I don’t know what good can come out of attempts at answering, but if there are prizes to be won at the end of the day, hey by all means go for it.

For some reason I have been thinking about this almost the whole day, brought on by an incident that Mr. Tall related to me some time back. Apparently there was a tourism do at the Dataran Merdeka a few months ago, quite a massive event and he decided to check it out. He was more than pissed off when some Datuk or the other from the (now-ex) Ministry of Tourism showed up more than a couple of hours late to officiate the damn thing. A couple thousand people were already waiting at the square, not to mention the various diplomats who were invited to the event and had showed up on time!

Now, all Malaysians know that those VIPs never arrive when they are supposed to, and along the way we’d grudgingly accepted this to be part and parcel of life (if you have to deal with YB Datuk Datin sekalian). Now, I know very well that I am not to blame for the Datuk’s tardiness. But when Mr. Tall related the story to me, I felt damn embarrassed and ashamed to be a Malaysian. My goodness, putting those couple thousand people on hold! And all those dignitaries from Japan and such, how would they think of us now??

Best part was, it was an event in conjunction with Visit Malaysia, Celebrating 50 Years of Nationhood. Am I over reacting or is this truly what the fuck?

Once I attended an event where we could only eat at 9 p.m. Why? Because the VIP Datuk decided to arrive much later than he was supposed to lah. Worse than a Chinese wedding dinner, I tell you.

A few years ago, two lovely people got married. For some reasons, a very important dude was invited to the wedding. The bride and groom waited and waited and waited, tapi the guy tak tunjuk muka. Finally they couldn’t wait anymore and went back to their wedding celebration. Later it was found out that the VIP arrived a while later, found no one waiting to greet him and so turned around and went off.

I mean, seriously? All those blue and white police men and women halting traffic just to let your black tinted chauffeured rides to zip in and out of everywhere and you can’t even be on time?

Those in Barisan Nasional and Barisan Rakyat (I’m including the latter just in case), sedar diri sikit lah. Dahlah gaji all paid by the people and companies, then some insist on making the people and companies wait till the cows come home. Where got such a good deal one? So what makes Malaysians Malaysians? My answer tonight is, our willingness to take it both front and back.

p/s: Guess the song in the title. No cheating.