In light of the recent seriousness, here’s something that could perhaps lighten your mood.

A friend of mine, let’s call him Pudding once dated a chick whom he now describes as ‘totally totally fucked up weird fucking psycho‘. Along those lines anyway.

One night Pudding was sleeping naked (sweet!) when she came home drunk in one of her moods. She started yelling at him; of course he heard her but he chose not to. He also heard the kitchen drawer being opened. Seconds later he felt something cold at his exit point and in his very own words :

Pudding : she knelt on the bed and tried to shove the fucking baster up my ass!
Suanie : bwahahhahahahhahahahahha!!!!!!!
Pudding : good thing i have fast reflexes… I jumped up like a bat outta hell
Suanie : bwahahahahhahahahahhahaahhahahhahahahhahahha!!!!!
Pudding : good thing she didn’t get far with it.

For all your turkey needs and more

But the clincher to the relationship was another time when she broke a bottle of vodka over his head and knocked him out cold. When he recovered he asked her why she did that for.

Mad chick : Because I love you.
Pudding : Please don’t love me anymore.