My mom is gonna skrew me

Text message to me mom and sis:

“I am 3 months pregnant. Sorry for hiding it from you.”

Ten minutes later sis called, sounding grave yet trying very hard to be supportive.

An hour later mom called, on the verge of tears and cardiac arrest.

Don’t people check their calendars anymore?

Be careful whom you date

In light of the recent seriousness, here’s something that could perhaps lighten your mood.

A friend of mine, let’s call him Pudding once dated a chick whom he now describes as ‘totally totally fucked up weird fucking psycho‘. Along those lines anyway.

One night Pudding was sleeping naked (sweet!) when she came home drunk in one of her moods. She started yelling at him; of course he heard her but he chose not to. He also heard the kitchen drawer being opened. Seconds later he felt something cold at his exit point and in his very own words :

Pudding : she knelt on the bed and tried to shove the fucking baster up my ass!
Suanie : bwahahhahahahhahahahahha!!!!!!!
Pudding : good thing i have fast reflexes… I jumped up like a bat outta hell
Suanie : bwahahahahhahahahahhahaahhahahhahahahhahahha!!!!!
Pudding : good thing she didn’t get far with it.

Turkey baster
For all your turkey needs and more

But the clincher to the relationship was another time when she broke a bottle of vodka over his head and knocked him out cold. When he recovered he asked her why she did that for.

Mad chick : Because I love you.
Pudding : Please don’t love me anymore.

“Hie my name is Damien”

According to Damien, this would be his reaction should he meet the Chinese soul taker:

Damien meets a ghost

It could only be Damien

One night at Misai during a semi-serious discussion on ghosts and the nether world :

Damien, “You know what’s my greatest fear? That when I die and go to hell, they all start speaking in Chinese to me and I wouldn’t know how to reply them.”