I watched Prometheus so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Just so we’re clear, this is a very short profanity-laced post about the shit movie that is Prometheus.

*spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert* *spoiler alert*

Am I getting old(er) or did Ridley Scott run out of ideas? Or humankind has plateaued in commercial movie making that I really have seen it all? Has the world become so hung-up on big names that x film by a famous director can’t possibly be that fucked up? Are the advertising people from an alien planet that when they gather to think of ways to market the product, they do not take into account what the movie actually is about?

Ohh look signs and symbolisms. Ohhh this is supposed to mean something. That dot back there in the most obscure of places has the deepest meaning that would change the face of the universe, if only they knew. Read behind the lines of the lines of the fucking lines. You know what?

FUCK.THIS.SHIT.

Yes it would be fucking revolutionary if you did this say, pre-JJ Abrams. Whoah then all that obvious hints about there’s more to the surface shit would be like, blowing my mind. BUT WAIT A MINUTE RIDLEY SCOTT. Along came JJ Abrams with Lost and Fringe and that means you’re toast. Can’t use the same shit anymore. Yes yes of course Alien was groundbreaking in 1979.. wait a minute, that was 33 FUCKING YEARS AGO!!! THE WORLD HAS MOVED ON TO BETTER BIG BUDGET MOVIES AND SO SHOULD YOU!!!

(Except for Wrath of the Titans. Boy, was that movie maximum shit or what.)

The only good thing in Prometheus was Michael Fassbender who probably researched his role by watching Brent Spiner as Data on repeat.

Let’s be clear: Prometheus didn’t start out too bad. Then it fucked up in the middle and at end, it was nothing but a big pile of stinking fly-infested maggot-ridden @#*(@#)@)($&@#$*

AND ME WATCHING IT ON IMAX 3D MEANS DOUBLE THE BIG PILE OF STINKING FLY-INFESTED MAGGOT-RIDDEN @#*(@#)@)($&@#$* !

Piece of shit. Fuck off Prometheus. I’ll never believe in the Ridley Scott hype again.

Nah, link to a blog post talking about the hidden meanings in Prometheus. Doesn’t excuse the piss poor crap that is the movie though. *link*

comments

Comments

  1. spacejockey says:

    The movie’s actually pretty good.

    Sorry you don’t quite get it’s meaning. It’s meant for the more philosophical and spiritual types.

    • Don’t you dare. I’ve seen more thought-provoking and mature philosophical discourse written on toilet walls. In faeces.

      Prometheus was a dreadful half-baked pile of crap with a script that felt like it was written by an eight-year old and anyone who thought it was good is, and I’m talking objectively here, an idiot.

    • Got Your Number says:

      “It’s meant for the more philosophical and spiritual types.”

      We call them pre-pubescent retards where I come from. Others, more polite than myself, simply refer to them as ‘non-university material’.

  2. really, engineer? why did i already know what was going to happen before it happened? like i said, i got it. the movie is still crap.

  3. Whilst it didn’t live up to the hype, I enjoyed it overall. I prefer to think of it as a piece of coal, rather than a piece of shit – as it could have been a diamond with greater scrutiny of plot and casting in places. Visually it’s stunning and Fassbender does indeed stand out. Aside from his, Theron & Rapace’s characters though, I didn’t care for any of the crew. For a trillion dollar space mission, sent to discover our creators, you’d think they could assemble a more professional, less incompetent team, as well as briefing them on the mission before the two year hibernated space flight, not after (thereby weeding out the ones who didn’t want to be there).

    My absolute trust in Scott wobbled after Kingdom of Heaven, and was kicked in the bollocks by Robin Hood. I think you’re right about running out of ideas, his next project is a return to Blade Runner. *sigh*

  4. plot holes the size of craters. stunning!

  5. Space Jockstrap says:

    How many times have I seen comments like this?

    Sorry you don’t quite get it’s meaning. It’s meant for the more philosophical and spiritual types.

    Twat. Prometheus is a total load of shyte. Its the more intellectual people who actually see it for what it is, not the bloody mindless sheep who all agree that its great and Ridleys great. Where was the storyline? Why would a fucking scientist when met face to worm face with his first alien encounter, say aahh isn’t she cute? She’s gorgeous AAAARRRRGGGGGHH. Load of wank.

  6. No intention to watch it anyhow, so thanks.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Facts:

    1. Ridley Scott is a has-been.
    2. Prometheus is C grade.
    3. District 9 is a recent A grade Sci-Fi movie.
    4. Avatar is a recent B grade Sci-Fi movie.
    5. Fan Twats will always masturbate themselves stupid while defending their mega budget, Holyweird crapshit!
    6. Holywierd is churning out pro Zionist crap.

  8. They could have got some real scientists (or anyone with an IQ over 50) to check the script. “The atmosphere is 3% CO2 – deadly to humans”. CO2 is not poisonous. Breathing it to the exclusion of oxygen will of course kill you but it’s not poisonous. Did RS mean carbon monoxide (CO), which is poisonous?

    And as for the Scooby Doo-esque “let’s split up and look for clues” – good God – a child would know this is foolish. Let’s poke the alien with a stick – again a really bad idea that even an idiot would not think of doing. Steve Irwin perhaps would, but the rest of us would keep a healthy distance and keep our helmets ON.

    Stapling her stomach – what, no needle and thread on board this trillion dollar ship. Oh – and then run about a bit.

    Let’s get to know the crew and make sure they’re a cohesive team before we leave – no wait, why not do the introductions when we get there – I’m sure we’ll all get along.

    Let’s leave a map so the humans can find us. No – wait – let’s lure them to another planet instead – the really dangerous one where we’re making nasty DNA black goo.

    Let’s electrocute this head and see what happens. What – do it in a sealed environment – why would we do that – I mean, what could possibly go wrong.

    Are there Christian overtones here – virgin birth (sort of) ?

    What trash. Thank God I watched it for free on a recent flight.

  9. this movies is gonna surprise u with its stupidness.
    beleive me, you shouldn’t miss this comically stupid movie

  10. touchstone says:

    Prometheus is fucking shit.

  11. Got Your Number says:

    Good God, just watched the monumental bore that is Interstellar. Jeez, at least I watched Prometheus all the way to the end to see if the crapiness score would break the record on my crapiness meter. Got to the ‘love is a dimension’ speech and my meter imploded, pleading insanity. Stopped watching and decided to chew my left foot off, as it was more entertaining.

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