original bootcamp malaysia: reflections (part 01)
Looking back, it’s quite a feat for me to have stuck to something this long. Unfortunately, I have the attention span of a goldfish which doesn’t favour long-term gains. By the way, this is going to be a verbose, emo-ish blog post. Deal with it. Also my problems may seem minimal — in fact they are nothing in the larger scheme of things. But they are my problems, this is my blog, get your own.
I’ve often expressed that Original BootCamp Malaysia changed my life. It is quite a claim, considering how other people’s life-changing factors often have something to do with being alive this minute then nearly dead the next. Well, I’m sticking to my claims and I’ll tell you why.
Why?
Suanie and friends in 2005
Gaining 22kg (48.5 lbs) in 4 years was misery. I have a large body frame, though only very slightly taller than the average Asian female. I was 63kg in 2005, my personal slimmest (high school years don’t count). Before joining OBC, I was at 85kg and you have to understand that the additional 22kg was pure fat. Well, the 63kg was mostly fat also lah.
As I have a rather strong and defiant personality (read: fucking stubborn), I kept telling myself that I did not care what I looked like. It was true to an extent but self-denial can only work for so long. What crushes the self-esteem? Automatically checking the last piece of clothing in the row of same design to see if they have it in your size, because the largest one is always at the back. Wearing long, auntie pieces to hide the bulging stomach which wouldn’t be so bad if it was an option. Finding out the urban legend that American women are fat as houses was untrue because you couldn’t really fit into the XXL tee you bought from an American on-line store. Running out of skinny angles for poses in photographs because there just aren’t any left. Being resentful of the people around you because they seemed to stuff themselves with everything on Earth yet do not gain weight. Facing positive, negative, encouraging and sarcastic comments, remarks and suggestions about my weight and appearance from family members and friends (even from vicious anonymous blog commenters, you bitches) and putting on a ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’ face because they hurt.
As they know, I can be an emo ‘tard.
Suanie in 2008 and 2009
I know some plus-sized ladies who are just so brilliant and have it all and that is due to their confident and strong personalities. I am not one of them, despite the face I put on. It gets to me a lot even though I keep all of that to myself. After all it was no one but me who brought it upon myself, and I have to honestly admit that the process and journey of ending up being 85kg was most enjoyable.
Pseudo Efforts
Loved ones would know of them. Years ago my mother sponsored me a 3-months gym membership. I went once — sat in the yoga class for 2 minutes then escaped to the treadmill for 5. A couple of years ago, I paid for my own 3-months gym membership, figuring that I’d make the effort if I were the one forking out the money. I went twice, an hour each time, 15 minutes of which was spent in the shower.
To someone who lacks self-discipline and motivation, gym was the most boring and uninspiring shit ever. A mp3 player loaded with ass-kicking tunes helped for all of 5 minutes. My mind wanders a lot and I couldn’t focus or concentrate on anything but the pain and reluctance. I also found it intimidating, especially at those gym classes where everyone knew what they were doing and I seemed to be the only sorhai who had no clue as to what was going on. I know it happens lah, I was new, but I never gave myself a chance to get over it.
Spongefox offered to jog around the park with me. We did it once. I tried jogging around the park by myself, I ended up walking most of the way. Went home after 10 minutes and my sister’s maid wondered why the heck I was back so early. The last time I held a badminton racquet in my hand was more than a decade ago. I had no interest in other team sports. You could say that the only form of exercise I got was walking around in shopping malls.
For a while I took Duromine, an appetite suppressant drug to control my food intake. It worked but the side effects made me feel like shit. Earlier this year I asked my doctor to give me Reductil, a similar drug with supposedly less harmful effects. I have some left if any of you wants it.
Breaking Points
In spite of my lack of enthusiasm for exercising, I love the outdoors. I somewhat enjoyed trekking, even though I would be the one bitching and cursing non-stop all the way to and back the trip and after. Going up Mount Batur earlier this year made me aware of the things I’m missing out in life because of my lack of fitness. Of course I did not do anything about it after my trip and went back to being sad and emo that I was physically unfit. Bleh.
One incident more than others spurred me to do something about myself.
Every working day, I have to walk up 2 flights of stairs to get to the ground floor, where I would take the elevator to reach my office. It was a daily hell. By the time I reached the ground floor, I would be panting and my head would be dizzy. Sometimes I had to stop for a while to catch my breath. Often I would lean against the elevator walls, close my eyes and try to get my act together. I would be unable to talk to anyone for a full 5-10 minutes until I’ve calmed myself down.
It was, to put it mildly, pathetic.
(I’d wanted to cram everything into one post, but as it turns out, I got a bit emo after reading what I’ve written. Part 02 will be up tomorrow)
Related Posts
- About Me
- original bootcamp malaysia: 2 more sessions!
- original bootcamp malaysia: s02e01
- original bootcamp malaysia: s03e01
- original bootcamp malaysia: bring-a-friend days
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Hey, this is a good post. I like it! Can’t wait for part 2!
now… now…. *hugs*
Hey, it’s getting better!
you echo what so many think and feel but dare not say.
looking forward to part 2. =)
u sounds good already . .part 2 asap
I love you Suanie!!
the fella up there helps those who helps themselves. and it’s fantastic seeing your improvement every single day. we all love you~!
omo i feel exactly the same way except for the extreme unfit part! and minus the denial!
when some relatives saw me for the first time in almost a year last week, the first thing that escaped their lips was, ”you’ve gotten fat!”
in front of my friend! i nearly died!
keep going! add oil [pun unintended]
proud of you!
and you’re my inspiration 
you are best! we love u no matter your size, but with less of you, the quality of love per kg is higher!
You just keep on going girl! Can’t wait for part 2
Proud of you!
I think I should start some hard work now! >.<
Hi Suanie,
I have been following your blog for awhile now and I love it! And recently, I also got to know that you are a friend of Agnes.
Before I gave birth to my son Cayden, I was 60 over kilos. After that I decided enough was enough. I now weigh 52 kilos and I cannot be feeling any better about myself.
I love the way you write. You make me laugh (really hard) sometimes. Good luck to you.
sob…dun emo all…. i sayang you all….