Admittedly I am (way, way, way, way, way, way) far from being the best looking, or most well-groomed person in the world. The least I could be arsed to do is to appear in society draped in some semblance of clothing. Beyond that, I am part of the I-don’t-really-give-a-shit posse. Trust me, it shows.
However some things still need to be taken care of. That is what separates me from the street bums, and much to my mother’s relief, it is still somewhat important to me that I highlight the distinction (damn you, societal pressure!). Mind you, I don’t like doing them, but they are just one of the inevitable to-dos, rinse and repeat. I’d still like to share with you the 4 personal grooming to-dos that I wish would fuck off and die; these are right on top of my most hated list, and I’ll tell you why.
1. All the hair on top of your head
Throughout history there has been a fascination with hair. References and compliments to what people consider to be beautiful hair have been found in poems, songs, books, movies; basically in all communication forms since the usage of papyrus. Don’t get me wrong — I like my hair (except for the greying bits) and I am very happy that I am not going bald. But I also want my cake and eat it too. You see, hair grooming is one of the most tedious things there is to be done. I think I am at a phase — a stage of my life where I know that I want THIS hairstyle for the next few years or so. Not just that; I want it to be the EXACT length and flow as it was after leaving the hair saloon. Hair growth should be criminal. Do you know how expensive it is for a female to go to a hair dresser who will not do a sloppy job of unprofessionally chopping off your hair? Do you know how irritating it is to have your fringe growing back and becoming a nuisance by lingering at your forehead? Fuck you fringe, go back up 1.5 inches where you belong and stay the fuck there. There should be a super duper remote control that dictates the length and shape of your hair for X amount of time. I for one do not mind paying a small fortune for that. It would save me so much trouble, money and emotions. I have other stuff to get emo about. Hair should not be one of them.
2. Those pesky, unnecessary underarm hair
I hate underarm hair, mostly because I live in a country where the weather is hot and humid all year long. Sure, I can spend money on deodorants (which I do, so stfu), but that does not stop the fucking underarm hair from growing, does it? Even French women are shaving these days. Which brings me to another rant; why the fuck is underarm hair considered hideous and unsightly on women, yet men proudly go around shirtless and hairy? All those females picketing for gender equality should first leave their armpit hair unshaved and untampered before preaching their usual sermons. If you can’t do that, then you have no right to yadda yadda about gender inequality, because gender IS unequal. I have no time to debate on fluff such as; when fighting for gender equality, it means work opportunities bla bla bla. Bull. I am right and you know it.
3. Stop growing, you stupid nails!
Nails should be long enough for only two things — washing your hair and digging your nose. I hate trimming my nails. It takes up 15 minutes of my time, and they grow back so fast that you are forced to trim every fortnight or so. That is half an hour every month! Do you know how many 40 winks I could catch in that half an hour? Or various other world domination-related activities I could have accomplished by NOT trimming the damn nails?! If it were up to me, no one should have nails. In lieu of the useless keratin, we would have more flesh instead. Or money. Cold hard cash should grow at the tip of my fingernails. Chronic nail biters and those prone to nail diseases would be so grateful to me. In short, me = great.
4. Would you like that rounded or arched?
Till this day I wonder to whom we have to thank for making eyebrows a grooming statement. It’s eyebrows, for crying out loud — in all purposes of evolution, they are meant to divert sweat and rain from going into your eyes. But nooooooooooooo, some genius just HAS to remove a bit of hair here and there, then proclaim to the world that ‘THIS IS THE PERFECT EYEBROWS, FOLLOW MY LEAD, BITCHES!’. Hmmm. Fuck you. If I knew who the fuck you were, I’d go round your house and execute the bloodiest massacre that would make Don Corleone look like a rookie. If you were already dead, I’d dig up your coffin and set your rotting corpse on fire, extinguish it, repeat x10000. Unfortunately I have absolutely no information at all (lucky you), so I am reduced to scolding a nameless mental image I have on you on the Internet. You fucker, you.