As Suanie Sees It

To my Muslim friends, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri! I be in your house, eating your ketupat and rendang.

Not sure if I’ll update this weekend, probably not. Got a life and everything.

In the meantime, go wield the power of your imagination at my Haiku Contest Regardless of whether you want the tickets… hantam lah

Last month there was this most hilarious ad posted on Craiglist (NYC) and it’s making its rounds in forwarded e-mails. I first heard of it on Howard Stern on Monday and laughed so hard that I almost choked on my tongue. Well, here it is, reproduced in full specially for those without friends who forward them hilarious shit

Posted ad (which has since been taken down by the author):

I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

* Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics: bars, restaurants, gyms.

* What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings.

* Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

* Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain Jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

* Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

* How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

One guy replied (the funniest reply among the replies):

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

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LMAO owned

Oh yah… btw if you want to forward NSFW stuff, here’s a friendly reminder: do it via your personal e-mails, or risk ending up like this case over at JP Morgan Chase. Company e-mails are not meant for personal use. No shit.

Ah fuck, while I’m at it, here are a couple more:

1) Please remove all the e-mail addresses listed in the e-mail that you are going to forward.
2) If you have something that you need the entire world to know, please add all the e-mail addresses in the BCC field.
3) If you have my e-mail address, please do not forward me ANYTHING that contains the following lines, “IF YOU DO NOT SEND THIS TO 10 OF YOUR FRIENDS WITHIN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, SOMETHING HORRIBLE WILL HAPPEN TO YOU, OMG I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT AT FIRST BUT SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED TO ME SO I AM SENDING THIS OUT NOW!!!”

Bleh. I’ll take my chances. Happy holidays!

Yeay it’s the time of the year to bring sexy back and party to top tunes by top international DJs!

Just this March 2007, it was the Speedzone party for the F1. Now it’s the Motor GP season, and this time round Speedzone Tour is bringing you hot stuff like Matt Darey, Seb Fontaine, Gareth Emery, Princess Superstar and Joey G!

Being the lazy arse I am to come out with original content, here are excepts from the press release:

Come experience the ultimate party fever on 20 October 2007, at Zouk Kuala Lumpur. Catch the phenomenal DJ line-up, most of whom are making their debut appearances in Kuala Lumpur!

Zouk Mainroom: DJ Joey G of Channel [V] fame will get the party started and set the pace for UK’s favourite DJ Matt Darey, a chameleon of sound whose productions have been a major influence to the industry today. Next up is DJ Seb Fontaine who has made his mark since his residencies at CREAM and BBC Radio1. Last but not least presenting trance wonder boy Gareth Emery (ranked #34 in the DJ Mag Top 100 Poll), tipped by Paul van Dyk as the artist to breakthrough in 2007, who will take you to the finish line!

Velvet Underground: Presenting the one and only female DJ for the night, Princess Superstar who is renowned worldwide for her mash-ups between hip-hop, electro and rock. She has performed with N.E.R.D, Bjork, Z-Trip and KRS-1 and her remake of “Exceeder – Mason vs. Princess Superstar” debuted at #3 on the UK pop charts!

The Loft: Bounce to the funky house beats of GaryDJ, an accomplished DJ who has remixed tracks for the likes of Jamiroquai, Destiny’s Child and Maxwell, followed by a kaleidoscope of sounds delivered by DJ Jeremy Boon, resident DJ of Velvet Underground Singapore.
Terrace Bar: Chill out to Zouk resident DJs while taking a break from non-stop partying and try your skills at the party’s unique interactive zones.

FYI, Matt Darey is hot. I had his albums (legit, mind you) but I lost them SNIFFS they were presents too But he’s HOT and I might just make the trip downtown KL to catch him in action. Bearing in mind that this is a huge thing because I do not go clubbing anymore, and you guys know how I feel about some stuff

Gareth Emery was ranked #34 in last year’s DJ Mag Top 100 Poll, and was tipped by Paul van Dyk as his artist to break though this year. That’s another reason to join the maddening crowd in Zouk KL next Saturday 20th October!

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So will you be there? You might as well just go, because I have some FREE tickets for you to party at Speedzone Tour 2007!

Yes I know that the organisers of Speedzone Tour ‘07 are giving out 1000 free tickets to those who register at their website. I also happen to know that the tickets being given out there are almost gone, hence the generous people are giving me 7 pairs of tickets to give away at Suanie.net! Isn’t that awesome?

Unlike the Speedzone contest earlier this year, you will find this one a breeze to enter. To win a pair of tickets to the Speedzone party at Zouk KL this 20th October, all you have to do is to come up with…

A BRILLIANT MAD HAIKU.

Regular Suanie.net peps would know that I am a massive fan of MadHaiku.com. He is so brilliant that he makes me laugh everytime he bothers to update his blog So I thought up of this contest, and you just have to showcase your equal brilliance by coming up with a mad haiku, the theme is speed (as in acceleration, not the drug ). To give you an idea, here’s mine:

Cruising in a Merz
Going over the limit
Uh oh i see cops

Isn’t that almost brilliant? :P

Okay it’s crap. I’m sure you can do better. DAZZLE MEHHHHH

Some stuff to keep in mind:

1) Contest ends on 17th October 2007. That’s plenty of time for you to get thinking
2) Contest only those 21 years old and above only!
3) Please enter a valid e-mail address if you wish to participate in the contest so I can e-mail you if you win.
4) You can write down your haiku(s) in the comment form below, or e-mail me via my contact page.
5) All entries will be judged by ME! If you win, I’ll e-mail you a.s.a.p. to inform you how you could collect the tickets.
6) If you do not wish to participate in the contest, dazzle me anyway

Mwahs.

I didn’t want to. But I had lost my car CD case for sometime now (which includes my original Green Day’s Nimrod, dammit!) and I was getting tired of Tiesto’s In Search of Sunrise 4 playing every time I am in the car, and I’d been a tad lazy to burn any new CDs. So I switched the player to various radio stations. Favourite radio station is still Red 104.9 of course, but I am incorrigible when it comes to switching to various radio stations. And that was how I listened to the entire bit of FlyFM’s 10.30 pm flirt something yesterday.

There was this guy who wanted to go out on a date with a girl whom he met on Facebook. Apparently they had been conversing via Facebook for sometime, and according to him it was getting a tad flirtatious, and he wanted to get to know this girl better. Why he can’t just pick up the phone and call up this girl, instead of asking the FlyFM crew to do it for him to be broadcasted on national radio, I don’t know.

Anyway the girl turned him down. “It’s just the Internet, not to be taken seriously,” I paraphrase. Damn malu sial hahaha!

Sigh, I miss FlyGuy

Then yesterday while driving home, MixFM played Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. And this morning HitzFM played it. Guess we’re going to be hearing it quite often now that it’s back on rotation.

I can’t begin to tell you how much I detest the song. The movie “Armageddon” was a targeted sob-fest, and the #1 single from the album ranks as one of the sappiest commercialised emo tune next to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, both bound to make lustlove-angst teens and middle-aged tortured souls cum in their pants sooner than a 10-inch double-ended dildo. Seriously, check out this list of songs (by no means exhaustive) by Dianne Warren. I bet you that one or more items in the list means something to you — a break-up song, a first-time-sex song, a getting-together song, a walking-down-the-aisle song… in fact I am willing to to lay my last 5 bucks on the line for this. While you are holed up in a corner on your bed hugging your comfort pillow with your blankets wrapped tightly around you, sobbing your pretty eyes out while listening to “Have You Ever” by Brandy on an endless repeat basis, wishing that he would call and everything would be all right again, remember that Dianne Warren is laughing while making serious bank. She is laughing because she has never been married, has never been in love, and does not enjoy dating (link). She is making a mint because you are human and you go through the ups and downs of love, something that she cannot relate to because by her own admission, nothing she wrote came from her own personal experience. In short, you = sucker.

Don’t get me started on Aerosmith. I cannot for the life of me believe that they enjoyed recording the song; the same band who wrote and recorded “Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)” and “Pink”, which in my not so humble opinion contains the second most ‘leave it to your imagination’ lyrics next to Inner Circle’s Sweat. Oh I have a dirty mind? Forgive me, I am only human. Dianne Warren is not. I win.

I guess this would go better under ‘For X’s Sake’, but then it’s not really a rant; more like astute observations on reality.

Last Friday, I attended the ‘Buka Puasa Bersama Intel‘ dinner with Erna at Sri Ayutthaya, Medan Damansara. Thai restaurant mah, never been there before so go try lor. The food was not bad, and it was nice chatting with Melissa from Priority Communications. Found out that she lives quite near me, heh

There was a caricaturist at work; Don. Very smiley fella, most friendly and works fast too. I asked him to give me a chin, and he kindly obliged.

Don at work

Since I got a chin from Don, I am gonna plug him a bit. Don is available for functions and trade shows, so if you have an event to make your guests happy, you can contact Don at his e-mail address: don_caricature [at] yahoo [dot] com. Not sure if he would approve of me giving out his mobile number here, so I’m not gonna.

I got chin, I got chin!!!!!

On Saturday, me and FA went to PJ State to have crab porridge. Naik harga already But still as delicious as ever. Then we went to Bangsar and had the most fun boutique experience of our lives (so far) at People/Egg (next to Blook). The owner/ designer was there and pecked us into trying different kinds of clothes. It was like having a personal stylist, and we did find some stuff that looks good on us. That was why I was late to meet up with G, who was in town for the weekend. Sorry, sorry!

I took G to have damn late lunch/very early dinner at Kanna SS2. Think I caused him to have gastric Sorry sorry!!!

Then he had plans to watch the quarter finals of the Rugby World Cup with another friend in KL. We were stuck in the jam for an hour along Jalan Hang Tuah. MCH and I needed to pee so badly too! Wah lau that was the single most excruciating 1 hour of my life (so far). I think G was rather amused, bleh.

We went to Finnegans along Jalan Sultan Ismail (my apologies to those I called up asking for directions to ‘Delaneys’). I don’t understand rugby, heh. It was a brutal game, blood and injuries everywhere… and the only thing I knew was that G had earlier predicted that England would win 12-10 and he was right. I had fun MSN-ing with Erna using my phone though.

And that was why I couldn’t make it to Su Ann’s 19th birthday bash. Hehehe I doubt that you missed me anyway Happy belated birthday to you, hot chick… you have awesome boobs. Okay that doesn’t sound so wrong now that you are 19

Sunday morning, I took G to Grandma Kitchen Cafe, and we did a TerenceG (i.e. over ordered).

Heh, too ambitious lah!

There was a plate of spring rolls too but that was polished off before I could take a photo. Of course we couldn’t finish our food.

Then took G to get a haircut, then sent him back to his hotel, then I had to head off to PWTC, and of course I took a wrong turn and ended up stuck in the bloody crawling jam in Subang going to Jalan Kewajipan.

-_-”

Here are a couple of girls at the Beauty Expo @ PWTC.

One of the body-painted girls, the only photo that turned out not too bad. From a beauty school, I think.

Chick in traditional Chinese garb after being face-painted (i.e. make up)

Interesting. No, don’t ask me why I was there.

Raya soon, yeay!