i hate moag the movie
For some reason I had the urge to re-read Arthur Golden’s Memoirs of a Geisha ( a book which my cousin might remember belongs to him… did I buy you a new copy? If not, remind me yah 
) — definitely one of my favourite books, even if it was factually incorrect (though beautifully written) and incurred the wrath of the geisha whom Golden interviewed.
Then I re-watched the movie inspired by the novel starring the usual Asian suspects, and I remembered why I hated the movie so much.
So for the sake of old arguments (it was a 2005 movie), I would like to reinstate the reasons the movie didn’t do it for me, especially after reading the lovely flow of Golden’s words.
I’ve never liked Zhang Ziyi. I don’t think she can fucking act. The new Gong Li?! Pirahh! I hated her in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, I hated her in Rush Hour 2, I hated her in The Legend of Zu, I hated her in Hero, I hated her in House of Flying Daggers, and I hated her in Memoirs of a Geisha. I didn’t even bother watching The Banquet because I know for sure I’d hate her in it too. Throughout the movies I’ve seen her in, she alternates between 2 facial expressions that denotes her as either a sulking child or a smirking bitch. Niamah, every time she has screen time, I feel like taking a blunt fruit knife to my creamy, slender wrist and very slowly and most painfully carve ‘WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!??’. Freakin’ Sanjaya in a cowboy hat is more entertaining than you, bitch.
Dear Gong Li, I love your older movies, especially your performance in Farewell To My Concubine. Your Chinese accent transports me to an empire long-gone, crushed by the power-hungry rebels and communists. But as the new era dawns and Hollywood beckons, I, a semi-ardent fan among thousands plead you to do us all a favour; stop conversing in English. No one understood what the heck you were on about when you babbled ‘n prattled in MOAG. You lost your awesomeness in the ditty movie. Sad thing is, it didn’t have to be this way. Tell it to their Hollywood faces, fuck you and your attempts to make Asians look bad with lame dialogue; I am sticking to Mandarin, so there bitches. But I don’t think it will happen because even if you so happen to find my blog, you wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway.
Wahai Yang Berbahagia Datuk Michelle Yeoh, you are a fine specimen of a Malaysian who made it big on the international scene. I don’t really know what else you should do, seeing that your last couple of movies really sucked; erm, The Touch, wtf was that all about?!? And the best part of Silver Hawk was Richie Ren doing the KRACK KRACK KRACK KRACKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! I heard Sunshine didn’t make the grade either. Let’s hope you are awesome in Mummy 3. Also, you were a young 43 in 2005 for MOAG. But you weren’t that young for girly-laughing scenes. I hope you kungfu-ed the director for making you look bad.
Ken Watanabe, please marry me. I am yours for the taking. I am going to make you a very happy Samurai, and I shall teach you how to articulate certain English words that you seemed to have so much difficulty with in MOAG.
On second thoughts, you kissed Zhang Ziyi. Perhaps not.
I hate MOAG the movie with a vengeance. It could have been so right. The set, the cinematography, the lighting, the costumes, the make-up were so beautiful. Why did everything else have to be so wrong?! I hate you Rob Marshall. I hate you Robin Swicord. I hate you Steven Spielberg. And I hate you most, Zhang Ziyi. Thanks for nothing.
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YEAH!!! now i know we share the same hatred for ZZY!!!
reeelllyy kenot tahan her!!!
muaksss…. luv ya to bits for that, suanie!!!
YEAH! What’s up with gong li and taking up japanese women roles? That silence of the lamb prequel also act Jap! So damn insulting to MOTHERLAND! OFF WITH HER HEAD.
Zhang Zhi Yi’s voice was reaaaaallly OFF in TMNT too. All the English classes in Oxford HAS NOT IMPROVED HER ENGRAND. Maybe she should go take up some classes in ACTING101 FIRST. SLUTSLUTSLUT GIVE BAD NAME TO CHINESE GIRLS OMG OFF WITH HER HEAD!
One of your personal best rants ever. Brava Suanie, Brava! *claps*
I remember wanting to make a similar movie related rant, but forgot what movie/which actor/ress. LOL
Bwahahahahahahaa.
Ok, here is what I read from a ex Hong Kong producer that know about Japanese cultures and Hollywood.
- Audience in US know ZhangZiyi,GongLi and the datuk. It is no 1 rule for Hollywood :p
- Most Japanese actor can’t speak English and few international audience know them.
- Actually, the set is not alright. Steven Spielberg geisha garden set are terrible. It should be 100 times better than what you saw in the movies. So it is Spielberg typical westerner stereotype that make it look like cheap.
Yet another Steven spielberg movie.
Now, any complain about English spoken by the General, act by Kenneth Tsang?
zhang zi yi can act what, her couch casting performance with ang lee must’ve been superb, that’s why she’s gotten this far.
and yes it is damn fucking annoying when people compare her to gong li. UNFUCKINGCOMPARABLE CAN??!?!??!! like comparing BSB with the 4 italian tenors. TOTALLY different class.
but no, until now, i STILL can’t see what’s so great about ken watanabe. muka macam typical japanese uncle lah!
Chen:
couch casting performance, or COUCH performance.
ken watanabe was kicking camel’s balls in Last Samurai see? itu saje kthxbai!
beb, if you liked moag (the book), you’d be interested in ‘the geisha of gion’ written by the geisha herself, mineko iwasaki – whose story was dramatised by authur golden.
adaptations suck.
To quote you back:
“I’ve never liked Zhang Ziyi. I don’t think she can fucking act.”
My only response is: Not everyone can be a pr0n star. LOL
Now that’s a nice little review that should be on IMDB
FA: tiu, couch casting tu memanglah couch!
ken watanabe looked uncle in last samurai also! i suppose he’s you older women’s type.
Well, I for one enjoyed MOAG. I haven’t read the book so I don’t think I’m in the right position to critique like you did.
Gong Li, thanks for the mammaries…
Hahhah! Yeah… can’t say much since I don’t watch that many movies acted by those ppl you mentioned… but I agree, I love the book. It’s awesome.
Adaption ALWAYS sucks. Even for Harry Potter.
tigerjoe… good one kekkekekeekee…
I think the movie should be conversed in Japanese with English subtitles. That I mean taking up Japanese casting too.
The world is fair.
Without bad actors, bad plots, bad directors, etc, there would be no film critics.
And of course, no Academy Awards.
So there you go.
ya la girl, zhang zi yi is really pretty but she is definitely not the ‘new’ gong li, tolong la. BTW you should watch perfume if you like adaptations hun. that one was quite faithful to the book, but it’s a ‘prettier’ version
ROFLMAO…. best review I’ve read so far on the movie…
I remember wondering why they had to cast all Chinese actresses as the main Japanese characters in a Japanese movie. Damn pissed me off listening to Zhang Ziyi talk like a Japanese girl with bad English…. hell, she sounded the same in her voice role in TMNT later on.
Btw, Suanie – you’ve inspired me to buy the book now…. thanks!
I refuse to see Memoirs just on general principal. But the ZZ girl was great in Crouching Tiger!
if they have really good command in english, wouldn’t that make their supposed foreign role not so foreign anymore? hence the stereotype is killed?
btw, NOT defending ziyi. eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Anzi: hahah she annoys meh
FA: heh i don’t mind them taking japanese roles… but the other things tak jadi lah
izad: lmao go think and update your blog twice a day! Now!
moo_t: i didn’t notice the gardens… but i noticed the houses and stuff. no one there except little chiyo should have spoken in english.
chen: not good enough for me
bwahahahhahha ken watanabe rox, and no where he looks like a typical japanese uncle,lmao!
philters: oh yeah i want to get that
but will have to make my way to kino… no stock in mph, can’t be arsed to order
tigerjoe: no doubt
mingsy: hahah i’d be banned and would have sign up for another acc
Gallivanter: hehh
thatjames: I have yet to see curse of the golden flower. the thought of jay chou acting in any movie disgusts meh
faieza: yeah i can only remember a couple of movies that were as good, if not better than the books. but can’t remember the names now to save my life
beefstew: yes, japanese with english subs! they can still retain the cast and have them speak bad japanese, i don’t care, that wouldn’t be my problem anymore
matthew: and would be no deranged self appointed movie critics who rage and vent on blogs that no one give a shit about
delia: oO heard that perfume is nice. will get it soon
drowmage: lmao tmnt.. that’s the 2nd time i heard someone complaining about her in tmnt
mad: uh
S: i guess i would have better enjoyed the movie in japanese with english subs. they forced ppl to read the subs in pan’s labyrinth didn’t they, heh
Watching Gong Li in Miami Vice, spewing unpronounceable English words is like board-scratching torture. Totally. Can. NOT.
Zhang ZiYi is pretty ok, but I think she’s nearing on the Scarlett Johansson level, too overly hyped but only decent acting abilities.
Ken Watanabe is like, OMFG on the hotness scale. He is my old-men-crush, ahem.
I once read somewhere that the reason why they chose Chinese actress in Japanese roles is because they couldn’t find any Japanese actress that can really act. Those who can act are either too old for the role or a bit lacking in the looks department.
Is easy to hate others when we are so ugly and fat right, i support u!keep it up.
Z: didn’t bother to watch miami vice, heard it’s really bad, lmao! i don’t see what’s the deal with scarlett either. but she’s quite hot lah.
hann: lmao get a new argument pls thx
Gong Li, Zhang Ziyi crossing over to Hollywood with bad English, and soon to come, countless other Chinese actresses. I hear that the white boys find their accents a turn-on – so they go nuts over them.
I wonder how true this is. Maybe it’s time to learn how to speakening the vely good England eh?
lets form a zzy hate club. i hate her…smirking bitch (very aptly described!)
teh drowmage: i hope not!!! i dowan speaking teh england liddat lehhhh
budokid: bwahahha i rather play warcraft