how to turn an awful japanese horror movie into a brilliant comedy (1)

The most important thing when making a B-grade J-horror is to plan a movie loosely based on a popular video game. The looser, the loser, the better. Make the plot as unoriginal as you can, and with the investors’ approval because J-horror always sells, wield your imagination! Go wild, no holds barred.

But in any J-horror we always have the same characters, maybe different roles but since they all look the same to me, allow me to introduce the key characters:

The Father. He is the one who makes all the decisions in the household, including migrating his family to an isolated island where the people behave weirdly and stare kok at you at all time. Still he finds nothing wrong with it even though modern culture denotes that it is a recipe for impending disaster.

The Daughter. She is the one who actually takes care of the household because for some reason or the other, Japanese mothers have low high mortality rate. She has eyes straight out of Final Fantasy, she is usually of average height and slim build, and she is the one who just HAS to check out the source of weird creaks and screeches originating from various dark corners of a house/jungle. Almost needless to say, she is the heroine of the movie. Well, as heroine as a J-horror could produce.

The Mysterious Son. He who never speaks, stands like a timber, always manages to disappear even after being explicitly told to ‘don’t go too far away’, gazes and points his finger into empty space, basically the child you wish you never had. Why? Because if you have a child like that, be prepared to encounter a vengeful spirit at some point of your life. Why? Because J-horror says so.

So this is how your plot works:

So easy like grazing grass in a field of cows.

Next: The Mystery Unsolved.