the shoulds in life: i *should* be able to cook…
So I saw this recipe and was keen to try it out. I remember a similar dish served to me a century ago, it was good and I’d hoped to recreate it.
Maybe it was due to all the Jamie Oliver shows I’ve been watching. The man is ABLE, I tell ya. Or maybe it was the female inspiration that arises whenever I feel a need to get back in touch with my womanly roots.
In other words, I NEED to FEEL like a WOMAN. Laugh all you want but for me, cooking usually does the trick. Something about labouring in the kitchen surrounded by pans and woks…
Plus the recipe looks easy and simple, any dumb fuck could do it. Grilled bacon and asparagus, how hard could that be? So off I went to buy me some lovely asparagus and streaky bacon (tidak ditanggung halal).
Lovely, aren’t they? Stare at the photo for as long as you like; pretty soon, they won’t look half as pretty.
So I washed the asparagus, I sliced them a little, I rubbed them with extra virgin olive oil and a bit of black pepper. Then I take a small bundle and use a slice of bacon to wrap them together-gether. Looking good so far.
Next I dumped them into a pre-heated pan.
How long does it take to cook asparagus? I have not a clue. After the bacon was cooked, I took out one bundle and had a bite. The asparagus was a tad raw. Hmmm… okay, back to the frying pan.
Two minutes later, the damn asparagus still wasn’t cooked. Fuck, the bacon is going to be black. Hmmm is this going to happen to the rest of the bundles? Not a good sign… I know, why don’t I cook the asparagus for a while, THEN re-wrap the bacon thingy, THEN cook them as bundles?
So that was what I did. I am a genius, me.
After a while I got tired of waiting so I dumped everything — all bundles and leftover bacon into the pan.
The end result was… oily. The bacon fat made its greasy way everywhere — all over the bacon,all over the asparagus, all over the pan, all over the stove, all over the floor, all over me. But at least the damn stuff was cooked. It tasted like… erm.. bacon and asparagus? Lol well something was bothering me at the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but to feel that something went wrong somewhere…
Then my mom came out and had a look at all the mess.
“Hmm…”
“What?” I asked, “does it taste awful?”
“No… but it’s not grilled.”
“What do you mean it’s not grilled? Is it not cooked properly? But they were cooked for a long time!”
“No, you dumb fuck, that was pan-frying, not grilling. z0mg you can’t even differentiate the two methods and you want to be the female Jamie Oliver? Bwahahhaha wtf stop dreaming.”
Obviously she didn’t say those exact words. She did show me in theory how to use the grill, but by then I was feeling utterly disappointed, dejected, disillusioned.
I didn’t feel like a woman at all.
No, I didn’t feel like a man either.
I felt like a miserable failure. It lasted quite a while, at least until I had beer. So those who saw my MSN messenger status, well this was what happened.
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Looks like I really have to start thinking of alternatives.
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First! Yay! I want my prize !!!!
Ok seriously. Those looks good enough for me actually.
I don’t care if the veges are well cooked or not, well heated is enough.
I like to eat em veggies either raw or half cooked.
Garlic (very raw I like)
Onions (raw please!!)
Chilli (raw raw raw!)
Ginger (Raw boleh!)
Veges shouldn’t be cooked too long or else you spoil their goodness.
*SLURP*
4 cloves of fresh raw garlic a day keeps the doctor (and the girls) away.
looks so yummy la!
lol, try cup noodle next time.
Ahahahahaha… Good try! Looks good too.
On the other hand, it’s wrapped perfectly!
Hey, the bacon is still cooked, peel it of the asparagus, then it’s a good side dish to go with your beer.
Next time
Stir-fry the asparagus with Sau Hin wine, oyster sauce and butterfly brand cornflour, with chopped garlic and such.
Then
Pan-fry the bacon breakfast style.
Finally
Serve asparagus and bacon in one dish. Lovely.
Advice from a hopeless non-cook.
Take out meals save lives!
I used to able to make tuna crumble. Then I got sick of running for fire extinguishers everytime i stepped into a kitchen
Me thinks if you don’t like Raw Asparagus, you could blanch the em Asparagus a little bits first
Just a suggestion ….
1. Boil the asparagus for a few minutes.
2. Scoop them out of the pot and roll them bacon strips before you place it in the pan or the grill (either one works).
3. Drain the grease from the bacon or use paper towels to absorb the excess grease from the bacon.
4. Serve.
Try it again and let us know if this works.
wait a minute….u just wrapped bacon around asparagus and fry it? I can do that! of coz have to subtitute the bacon with something else lar
You could try learning how to make smoked salmon rolls instead – no cooking involved.
Shadowfox: you can have leftover bacon and asparagus
I like my vege cooked for the longest time… it’s a habit I have to break… it’s like prawns, for some reason I like them boiled until they are hard and tough. I don’t really like eating them hard and tough, but that’s how I do it
ah bad: really ar? thank you lor heh
KY: and leave half of it for the ants?
anttyk: tyty
Giant Sotong: yes, the precision!
Alvin: nah, we had grilled fish to go with beer
suertes: but i want to grill them
julianME: hahahhahahaha i make great maggi mee. i used to be able to make muffins, back in Kemahiran Hidup classes.
UnkaLeong: good thinking
Ano: thanks! will do!
Ari Miraj: well, it takes effort you know.. and and planning… and and and… bleh
tigerjoe: not a salmon fan heh.. apparently the one you guys had the other day was good
Analysis of failure.
1. The bacon just too thick
2. too many asparagus per wrap. Trim down the number
3. you are suppose to dip the exposed asparagus tip and end, not the whole shoot.
4. To test whether the pan is hot enough but not TOO hot, put a slice of garlic to test it. If the garlic SLOWLY turn brown, that is the correct temperature. If it turn brown in 10sec, it is too hot.
5. Did you cover the pan?
6. Be Confident. The recipe say 10-15mins. so don’t open the cover unless lots of smoke come out.(check note 4 to learn to control temperature)
My 2 cents.
p/s: Why not try lesson 1 : fried an egg.
you just need to find a guy who can cook…problem solved…hehe
i think moo_t is right, maybe the aspagarus is too thick. maybe if u grill it in the oven it would cook faster and better and would not burn the bacon, plus not so oily.
p/s: just my humble opinion, i dunno how to cook either ;p
hey it doesn’t look that bad to me. don’t know bout the taste though :p
3 spears of asparagus per THIN slice of bacon.
Trim the hard skin off the asparagus & cut into 2 inch pieces
Blanch asparagus for 3 minutes, esp if they’re old
Towel dry the aspagus and wrap the peppered bacon over it. Grill.
Alternatively, i could take you to dontaku opposite lot 10, and you can have your fill of bacon+asparagus, bacon+golden needle mushroom and assorted yakitori
‘They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. ‘
More direct route is straight through his rib cage!
cooked the asparagus first by blanching, then wrapped with bacon ….baru lar grilled. pan fried also can – can also
You’re dumb sometimes really
didn’t it strike you that the bacon would cook much faster than the RAW asparagus..as it’s much thinner AND on the outside.
If you want to do it like this just blanche the asparagus first, then wrap it in bacon.
Juicy bacon. Nice and moist, not like the overcooked dry ones.
Nothing Wrong with you cooking Suanie, Just use a little more imagination naming your dishes. Burnt bacon and raw asparagus? No,I give you Caramalised bacon and aldente asparagus wraps.
Sounds delicious
Actually I am surprised you can find bacon so easily at your area!
Here it’s not easy to find a hypermart that will sell it because all the employees they hire don’t want to handle it nor does the cashier want to unless you go to the non-halal cashier in some hypermarts!
moo_t: i can fry eggs
beautifully 
RonT: hmm can you cook?
kruy: tarak oven, but hopefully will have one soon so I can make full use of the promised guinea pigs
deriku: well, it tasted like oily bacon and asparagus…
jie: jom!
Dabs: bah gotta enjoy the journey
foodcrazee: thanks!
ST: bleh it did but i thought a miracle would happen. or something. wasn’t in the right frame of mind
James: best with baked beans
old petey: that’s marketing
btw why aren’t you on msn anymore?
Shadowfox: Eh? Carrefour, Tesco, Cold Storage got.. I know Giant don’t have only… the ones I’ve been to so far la
wtf. if they’re that oily, must be damn delicious!!!
suanie, there’s always a mamak nearby, u know?
You like eating fly eggs then go to mamak stalls. hehehe.
yes i can…next question
kim: i miss you
frostier: not healthy, as my mom often says. i’ve been eating mamak food for years.. and judging from my efforts, will be eating mamak food for years.
Shadowfox: damn cinapek you
RonT: i asked them before already what
it was OILY. but nice to eat. and i had beer to wash it down. that is happiness.
heya suanie,
this is totally unrelated to your post, but it does have something to do with your blog.
i’ve been your reader for quite a while, and recently i got my own domain (no more xanga, yay). it’s powered by wordpress, much like yours, and i was wondering if you could tell me your font specifications?
i know it’s Arial, but what size or percentage exactly? i used to use arial in my xanga too, but wordpress is a little harder to manipulate with all the html stuff.
thanks a lot.
Paul: grilled fish with damn hot sambal is happiness.
Michelle: no more xanga, yay! Actually the font I use is Trebuchet MS, the size is 1.2em. You can adjust the font size to whatever you desire… 1.3 for bigger, 1.1 for smaller but not so read-able. Looks like you need some themes too! This site has an amazingly loads of themes for you to pick and choose:
Then you will want some plugins… if you need help, just send me an email
Good luck 
The Ownage thinks you need to boil the asparagus first for at least 3 – 4 minutes in hot boiling water with a bit of salt. Then wrap the asparagus in the bacon and fry it with a bit of butter to grease the pan with until the bacon becomes cooked (Not crispy but until a little charring can be noticed and the meat is free from nasty germs).
Then serve.
Looks so deliciously yummy and juicy and crispy leh – which explains why I am trying to inhale it through my computer screen right now :p
Where got fail????
You’re not the only hopeless in the kitchen person. I think that saying changes in my situation to: “The way to my man’s funeral is through his stomach.” Thank goodness for mankind that I am single and unable to wreak culinary havoc on anyone’s intestines (if they haven’t lodged in the throat first).
Bad enough my mother is famed across the umm…neighbourhood as the Best Cook in The World. She laughs when I get scalded by spitting hot oil. Woks are evil, I say!
i didnt answer them meh?
I’m no doctor, but I am a guy and I can tell you right now that the way to a man’s heart is not through the organ known as the stomach. If you know what I mean.
thanks a lot suan
i can’t get my head around em, so i’m using pt instead.
hehe – and i’ll email you if i have any questions too! take care
though a failed experiment, the pictures still make me feel hungry. hahahaha. now you can’t say i burnt toast anymore! :p
Well,… is doesn’t look THAT bad…
(Mind you, the bacon does look a wee bit charred on the edges but I’m sure your asparagus+bacon dish will turn out heaps better the next time around)
(Who am I to comment anyway? The only thing I can cook is Maggi Mee… *lol*)
hmmm, sayang i read in some cocktail recipe book that if you wrap your bacon around prunes and fry them up oso can, they’re called devils on horseback:-D bacon wrapped around smoked oysters – angels on horseback. so cute
To get to a man’s heart, you’d have to dip everything in batter and deepfry til golden brown.
hey suan.. can ask u somehting? where do u usually hang out:? do u go to any women’s only sites? if yes.. which one is your fav?
Dear Suanie,
I’m sorry – I know we don’t know each other personally but I would really appreciate it if you could do me a favour.
Can you please post this up?:
My friend’s cousin, Michelle Tai, has been missing since Friday. If anyone has seen her, please kindly call Jessica at 012-653 2114, her father (Mr Tai) at 017-8835 118 or her brother (Kelvin) 012-3080 670.
(Further details and her photos here)
I am not trying to promote my site… It’s just that you have many readers and there may be a chance that one of them has seen her.
Thank you so much.
-J-
aiyoh! this was the reason of your nickname. i thot whattt. Trial and error mah.
Suanie,
The food looks great. Keep on trying, I’m sure you can do a better one the next time, the next next time and so on.
update la tiu
boil the asparagus first.