As Suanie Sees It

I’ve been trying to think of an appropriate angle for this post, but all that has been in my mind the last couple days was “police state, police state, police state, police state, police…”

If you have been following the recent uproar, you’d know why. As for yesterday’s revelation, you can view the still images at Jeff Ooi’s, you can download the video clip at Mack’s, you can read how Teresa Kok received the MMS and showed it to the parliament, you can read Lim Kit Siang documenting the MMS story…

It is understood that the woman in the video clip is not one of the China women who were recently in the news. As important as the distinction is, ultimately who the fuck cares? Take away the tudung, the prayers in the background and skin colour, you have a member of the Malaysia police force with her hands at her hips watching as a naked woman who is POSSIBLY a MALAYSIAN citizen doing ear squats. Oh, and another person who is possibly another member of the police force secretly taping the whole scene then distributing it.

I don’t know much about the law. I don’t even know if this entry is against the law. But I know that what happened in the video is not legal, not allowed and is violating human rights from beginning to end. And we scorn at other countries doing something like that eh? Baby it’s happening right here in our own backyard.

You who is reading this entry right now, should be thoroughly outraged by this issue. We know that it’s not the first time such power has been abused. Is it not right to want it to be the last? If we continue to be blinded by our don’t-give-a-fuck, it’s-each-for-his-own, apa-boleh-buat attitude, one day you or a loved one could be doing the same thing in the same state as the woman in the video, and it would be too late to be wondering why. Judging from the way it was and the way it is, I may not be so off the mark.

And that is a reason to be afraid.

I do maintain in my earlier post that there are too many factors as to why it has become what it is today.

From the little RM5 bribes to the RM5,000 bribes, of why someone ended up in the police force, the living conditions, environment and whatever little pay our local cops are living in and receiving, our lackadaisical attitude in regards to the law, their lackadaisical in regards to our rights; when I say everyone is part of the problem I mean absolutely everyone, from the utmost top to the lowest bottom.

And I know what I am saying is nothing new. I don’t know enough to suggest a solution for the problem either.

But man, this is too sad, too much.

When I read that Aiz is recommending bloggers to speak up regarding this, I don’t know about you but I felt a dire sense of helplessness. After all, what is there to be said when almost all has been said?

When I was 18 years old, sure I would feel the outright rage that would move me to write to newspapers and such. This is Malaysia! We are a good country! This sort of thing must be an isolated case and cannot be continued! Clearly someone isn’t looking after his boys! Oh hear me ye leaders for I am part of the younger generation that would shape this country to its bright and shining future, sans corruption, sans cronyism, sans every single factor that is making us cry foul.

I am 24 years old, and I realise that we are all part of this problem. We all contributed to it. From the little RM5 bribes to the RM5,000 bribes, of why someone ended up in the police force, the living conditions, environment and whatever little pay our local cops are living in and receiving, our lackadaisical attitude in regards to the law, their lackadaisical in regards to our rights; when I say everyone is part of the problem I mean absolutely everyone, from the utmost top to the lowest bottom. We are all just trying to earn a living, to survive, to get on with our lives. But where does the buck stops?

It feels like being bound in chains with no hope of ever escaping. When something of this magnitude is in cycle, how can one single person ever hope to change the world?

A friend who was in San Francisco for a conference had to stay in the ghetto area due to financial constraints. Once she had to walk back to her motel after midnight and it was like something out of thriller movies, the lonely street, dim lights and all. A patrol car pulled up beside her and after verifying who she was (ie non-resident here for a conference), told her that it was not a very safe area especially at this time of the night, then escorted her all the way back to her motel. As non-suspects were not allowed in the patrol car, they drove slowly behind her as she walked.

Talk about cops protection eh? For some reason I cannot envision this happening in Malaysia. Perhaps it has been done before, perhaps I need to get out more and experience this for myself to know it can be done, but perhaps my faith in our law enforcers is not all that strong to begin with. With all the stories I’ve heard, can you blame me?

Driving without seat belts on, driving over the speed limit, running a red light, driving in a highly intoxicated state, if caught then frankly speaking you deserve it. When a police officer pulled my friend over and found out that she’d drank some, it was no one’s fault but hers. When he told her that she was pretty and to escape a summons she could ‘makan’ him, where is the line? It doesn’t really help when a lawyer once told me that if the policeman ask you to suck his cock, you suck his cock. Because at the end of the day, the power is not with you. Your citizenship does not entail you with a voice of your own. If you end up with a police record because you refuse to give a bribe or go down on someone, well sorry to say but there is nothing you can do. Yours is just one case out of thousands.

I’ll refer all these as the old ways. For all the sense of helplessness and hopelessness, there is bleak optimism. For maybe 20 ‘bad’ cops there is one ‘good’ cop. I have met my fair share of ‘good’ cops, I lived next to one for a few years when I was growing up, my sister’s friend’s dad is an exemplary brave and fair cop and I truly appreciate them. It is just a shame that the ‘bad’ cops overshadow the ‘good’ cops by sheer numbers.

Do we really need the media to run a news, or for Datuk Seri Nazri to speak up regarding one case before change can be implemented?

These are just some blog thoughts from one single person, because I have no mouth and I must scream.

Good friends, good beer, good food, good joint, good cheesy music, good lapse from reality. The good things in life should be as simple as that.

I’d been invited to a high school friend’s wedding in December. Of course I’m happy for her that she has found someone to be with for a long time; even my cynicism towards marriage in our society today has not changed my belief that marriage is forever. Having had time to think about this for a bit, I don’t think it’s naivety. More like my belief in the concept of marriage to be an institution of togetherness based on extended trust and good will; something sacred like two people promising to share the rest of their lives together and as it is, not one to be taken lightly. The inability to uphold the promises made is not a reflection on the concept.

By all means this is not a novelty thought, though it took me a rather long time to understand it. I fear that the last few years, young as I still am turned me into a drying prune, almost devoid of any capacity to be with someone for a long time. Once, the thought itself turned my insides over, leaving me in a shaking and shriveling ball. And it wasn’t anything more than the mere mention of ‘commitment’. I may have not been around for very long, but the things I’ve seen, heard and experienced didn’t leave me with much faith when it comes to other people besides family and friends.

But I may have been wrong all this while. People do find love, people do get married, people do want to settle down. Who knows what would happen five or ten years down the road? At this point in time, who cares? To know that there are people who stopped looking is good enough for me.

I think that may be the greatest fear. There will always be someone better, someone nicer, someone prettier, someone with all the same attributes as me, but up two or more notches. To know or to even imagine that whoever I would be with was still keeping his options open would, I think be a great blow to whatever confidence I had left. Was it something I did that made him look elsewhere? Was my initial judgment of him so off the mark that I brought this upon myself? And if that be the case, it doesn’t say much for my past, present and future judgments.

Knowing that someone else has this power to make you feel like the biggest loser in the next minute; that is not a very comforting thought nor place to be.

And he once asked me, what was I so afraid of.

There’s something wrong with my Streamyx connection (not unlike my previous DSL light problem). I had wanted to do some serious work on a phpBB forums; was looking forward to a whole fun-filled day of reading/learning whatever I really needed to know, then my Streamyx got ass fucked for the 138349230840th time. So I headed over to my sis’ to leech her wireless.

Of course I didn’t manage to get much done. It’s hot outside; the sun is shining despite the gathering storm clouds that would cause a KL/PJ jam havoc later. Still it’s lovely.

Right now, it’s the perfect weather to be napping. I’d be doing myself an injustice if I didn’t.

p/s: It’s my daddy’s birthday today!
p/s/s: It’s Horng’s birthday today! As a mark of respect for the elderly, I decided not to refer him as ‘Horny’ for one whole week. Most likely my grand gesture will fall flat on his horny face, still there’s no harm in pretending to try

Ever since childhood I’d always imagined ghosts. Like if I stare at a window long and hard enough, a sinister face would appear in all its pale glory. A glance at a darker corner in the house would bring a shadow floating by.

It’s almost like I want to see them. But I don’t. I really, really don’t. I have no idea of how I would react if I would to see a ghost face to face. Scared shitless, probably. And actually I don’t really want to. But I can’t help thinking about them, especially when I am alone. And that’s hardly an unavoidable situation.

Then there are dreams. I hardly have happy dreams, unless I make up scenarios to myself before going to bed, slowly fantasizing being ridiculously rich and beautiful and having the world at my feet, then slowly drifting into unconsciousness. Sometimes the good dreams stay on. More often than not, they morph into something utterly horrible that I would wake up suddenly, half expecting to see something at the end of my bed looking at me.

When my paternal grandmother passed away in my early teens, I had the most surreal dream — she was just beside me. Then she suddenly grabbed hold of me. The feeling was so real and quite unpleasant, but I don’t think I can call that a nightmare because she is family and she loved me greatly. Ever since then, I’d been afraid to go past a section in our house where a framed photo of her was placed. Even now, when I am home and awake in the middle of the night, I would sneak a peak at her photograph, almost daring her still image to smile at me. Most probably I would be fucking scared and stunned, but there’s just… something that I can’t quite describe.

Perhaps it is because that photograph was used for her funeral. I don’t get the same feeling when I see other photographs with her in it. Funeral photographs are always so… direct. The dead looking at you with open eyes.

And dreams of falling. And being in a burning car, unable to get out, melting away with it. Scenes that make me cry so hard in my dreams that when I wake up it was almost unfair that it was not real.

I wish my dead and unknown would leave me forever. They are after all, dead and unknown. If I had the choice, I would not return to cause my loved ones such stress. Not that they are gone forever. Shared memories will linger. But spiritual presence is another matter. The living has enough personal demons to fight. No need to add to it.