Oh there you are! Thank you thank you for still sticking around. While you are at it, want to tell me why you are here? Or if you are even bothered to read this whole long entry? What is it about this blog that keeps you refreshing till my lowly bandwidth gets eaten like carpets by moths? Call it a moment of self-doubt or whatever, but as the primary owner of this blog, I would be most interested to know.
Could it be the photos of my friends far lovelier and hamsap than myself? Or the grammatically -incorrect sentences that make editors reach for the knife to stab themselves with? Perhaps the notion that I am a superior blogger sent by Heavens to set an example for all ye other bloggers with the message - KEEP UP OR KEEP DOWN! Or maybe you lot are seriously bored in the office with nothing else to do?
For the life of me, I can’t imagine why. Not since the article in The Star anyway. Alright, I’m not feeling my best now, but there are also many reasons why I am having this prolonged negative self-esteem moment. If you asked anyone especially Jaime, I am not the most confident person on earth and if you believe in Chinese metaphysics, this month (September) is the testing ground for my self esteem and confidence. I’m already feeling it. By knowing what lies ahead, you are supposed to be able to battle it, but it is a constant uphill climb and when the depressing feeling sweeps you, it hits you like Katrina.
Since I’m so baring my soul right now, might as well tell you how it led to all this. You see, I’m just like you, maybe better or maybe worse. Perhaps different. When I started an Internet ‘life log’ back in 1999 (or early 2000, I can’t remember) I was seriously ranting like the teenage kid that didn’t get the last piece of candy. Everyone sucked. As I grow older, everyone still sucks but to a varying degree. After the big-ass close up shot of my round face on StarTwo (I LOVED IT THANKS) and I supposedly became a ‘famous’ blogger, I learnt a lot - either from self experience of observing other blogs and how they handled their sudden fame etc. Then I learnt that not everyone sucks, it’s just a matter of perspective. For a personal blogger like me who started out with severe generalisation, it’s a major adjustment. For example, I used to think that every teen mother was the bane of earth no matter what - and now I understand that everyone’s situation is different and a country’s social benefits (such as the UK and US) has a lot to do with how people think and deal with life and stuff like that. So now I understand a little better that not everyone in this world can enjoy certain benefits (such as prior understanding and education) like me. And it’s not necessarily their fault. But that sucks too.
Because who wants to read an overly-neutral blog all the time? Not me.
But I’d be doing an injustice to myself if I let assumed-methods-to-garner-blog-popularity consume this blog. Because inasmuch I’m denying it, this blog has been, is now and mostly always be a huge part of myself - not just Suanie but [insert my full name here]. In all these years of trying to keep my blog as personal and myself as I could, I cannot deny that I enjoy the hits and ‘popularity’ especially with our local blog scene still so in its infancy. Better bloggers than myself read my blog and I am always wondering why. Bad taste or I am just lucky as heck?
I bet most of you read the ST vs XX ‘blog war’. Honestly it was really fun. There you go, I can’t lie. I thought ST rocked. But then you may or may not realise it that the whole debacle is a lesson in itself. The overused line of ‘with great powers come great responsibility’, like it or not is damn well true. Alright, a lot of you may not realise it but here’s my story from my point of view.
The StarTwo feature was the massive trigger. It was a light-hearted look at personal bloggers - as you may know, prior to that feature, there was a lot of negativity regarding blogs. I’m not going to start a whole ‘it’s art not pr0n’ debate (though I think it’s tasteful art tyvm). The journalist who did the feature is a blogger himself and since he had the ‘power’ to sort of try tell people the other side of blogs, he did what he did. Of all the four featured bloggers, I felt that I am the most undeserving blogger, mostly because I am a personal blogger and why the heck you want to read about my life, I don’t know but it’s on the Net and it’s out there for the world to see. Therein lies my problem.
(BTW I am not sorry for being one of the featured. Nor anything else that followed. Neh neh neh neh neh)
Then there was this whole outlash about ‘famous’ bloggers and what-not. You know the saying ’siapa makan cili dialah rasa pedas’? Well that was me. Despite my friends telling me that I am doing good things with my blog and stuff, criticism no matter what always manages to bring me down a notch or ten. That’s my personality - I tend to brood over things too much even if I don’t often say what I feel. Simple tools such as Technorati can find you a lot of things and being the narcissistic self-inflicted overbearing bitch that I sometimes can be, well let’s just say that the results were not always kind. And when people tell me that my blog is great/good/nice etc, I feel like covering myself with mud because I don’t think that I am worthy of all that. But you know what? The most important lesson I learnt that was c’est la vie. That became another problem.
You know how sometimes things can make you an unwilling participant in other things? Bah fuck it with being cryptic.
In the very short period of time since the feature, I was kind of forced to grow up quickly, mostly as a blogger. Eh, I’m not REALLY complaining you know, because this is also in-line with me growing up as a person, entering adulthood (btw it’s my 24th birthday come Sept 22nd hehehe) and I realised the opportunities or rather, the styles I find myself leaning towards. My current most ideal blog personality would be John Scalzi (his link is somewhere on the main page’s right bar) but who am I kidding? I would never be able to write as beautifully as he does. Instead I’m stuck with wanting to stay as personal as I can but too fully aware of the repercussions.
It’s really not fun, you know. With my family reading my blog, I can’t write about very very personal stuff. With my bosses and colleagues reading my blog, I can never bitch about work (not that I really want to, ‘coz actually my job is a dream but there goes the choice). With my close friends reading my blog, I can never bitch about them (bwahahaha). In fact with the government people in power reading blogs, I can never bitch about them (too much) too. As I said there are always two or more sides to a story and I don’t want to commit myself before finding out the truth, but let me tell you this - I envy you bloggers who still have some privacy to write all these thing so close to your heart. I am nearly erupting with green gooey. Krakatoa has never seen anything like me.
So why the fuck I want to put my real name and real photos on my blog, or even let it be featured/ ping-ed/ known/ whored? Aren’t I bloody contradicting myself? Damn bloody two-faced hypocrite! BLAH! OK let me tell you this, inasmuch as it hurts, I BLOODY WELL LOVE THE ATTENTION! And I damn bloody well love it that the attention is reflected back to my blog where I have my real name as well as my photos etc. ‘Writing for myself’ almost never exists - when I write, I write for an (imaginary) audience and I have been doing this forever, even in my work. So right now I’m complaining that much of my privacy has been ‘taken’ away (don’t stop reading this please, I love you) yet I adore the hits, though not as much as other people’s but it’s still all mine. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! Start another blog with no one knowing who I am? Yeah right, no deal for me. I want my cake and eat it too!
If you are asking, ‘is that so wrong?’ let me just tell you this : yes it is. Most people think that blogs are just blogs and the bloggers should have the freedom to write whatever they want to write. Oh sure, go ahead, don’t let the door of immaturity hit you on the way out.
Freedom of speech is NOT an excuse for irresponsibility. That’s a lesson to be learnt and I sincerely hope that you would not have to learn it the hard way.
So what I’m saying is… I don’t really know what I’m saying. As before I lost the point and the plot somewhere in the middle. But IF I really have to try in order to make this post more coherent, I would say it’s a stage where I am grasping with the fact that I have to be more responsible with a lot of things, yet missing the good ol’ carefree days, yet knowing that growing up with all its bringings is inevitable. Yet… Ahhh the demons, angels, higher demons and higher angels fighting within themselves inside me… you should try it sometime.
Time to hit the sack. This post was brought to you by 4 bottles of Hoegaarden White, 5 cans of Carlsberg and too much incoherent self-reflection at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. Enjoy.
