where oh where can my readers be?
Oh there you are! Thank you thank you for still sticking around. While you are at it, want to tell me why you are here? Or if you are even bothered to read this whole long entry? What is it about this blog that keeps you refreshing till my lowly bandwidth gets eaten like carpets by moths? Call it a moment of self-doubt or whatever, but as the primary owner of this blog, I would be most interested to know.
Could it be the photos of my friends far lovelier and hamsap than myself? Or the grammatically -incorrect sentences that make editors reach for the knife to stab themselves with? Perhaps the notion that I am a superior blogger sent by Heavens to set an example for all ye other bloggers with the message - KEEP UP OR KEEP DOWN! Or maybe you lot are seriously bored in the office with nothing else to do?
For the life of me, I can’t imagine why. Not since the article in The Star anyway. Alright, I’m not feeling my best now, but there are also many reasons why I am having this prolonged negative self-esteem moment. If you asked anyone especially Jaime, I am not the most confident person on earth and if you believe in Chinese metaphysics, this month (September) is the testing ground for my self esteem and confidence. I’m already feeling it. By knowing what lies ahead, you are supposed to be able to battle it, but it is a constant uphill climb and when the depressing feeling sweeps you, it hits you like Katrina.
Since I’m so baring my soul right now, might as well tell you how it led to all this. You see, I’m just like you, maybe better or maybe worse. Perhaps different. When I started an Internet ‘life log’ back in 1999 (or early 2000, I can’t remember) I was seriously ranting like the teenage kid that didn’t get the last piece of candy. Everyone sucked. As I grow older, everyone still sucks but to a varying degree. After the big-ass close up shot of my round face on StarTwo (I LOVED IT THANKS) and I supposedly became a ‘famous’ blogger, I learnt a lot - either from self experience of observing other blogs and how they handled their sudden fame etc. Then I learnt that not everyone sucks, it’s just a matter of perspective. For a personal blogger like me who started out with severe generalisation, it’s a major adjustment. For example, I used to think that every teen mother was the bane of earth no matter what - and now I understand that everyone’s situation is different and a country’s social benefits (such as the UK and US) has a lot to do with how people think and deal with life and stuff like that. So now I understand a little better that not everyone in this world can enjoy certain benefits (such as prior understanding and education) like me. And it’s not necessarily their fault. But that sucks too.
Because who wants to read an overly-neutral blog all the time? Not me.
But I’d be doing an injustice to myself if I let assumed-methods-to-garner-blog-popularity consume this blog. Because inasmuch I’m denying it, this blog has been, is now and mostly always be a huge part of myself - not just Suanie but [insert my full name here]. In all these years of trying to keep my blog as personal and myself as I could, I cannot deny that I enjoy the hits and ‘popularity’ especially with our local blog scene still so in its infancy. Better bloggers than myself read my blog and I am always wondering why. Bad taste or I am just lucky as heck?
I bet most of you read the ST vs XX ‘blog war’. Honestly it was really fun. There you go, I can’t lie. I thought ST rocked. But then you may or may not realise it that the whole debacle is a lesson in itself. The overused line of ‘with great powers come great responsibility’, like it or not is damn well true. Alright, a lot of you may not realise it but here’s my story from my point of view.
The StarTwo feature was the massive trigger. It was a light-hearted look at personal bloggers - as you may know, prior to that feature, there was a lot of negativity regarding blogs. I’m not going to start a whole ‘it’s art not pr0n’ debate (though I think it’s tasteful art tyvm). The journalist who did the feature is a blogger himself and since he had the ‘power’ to sort of try tell people the other side of blogs, he did what he did. Of all the four featured bloggers, I felt that I am the most undeserving blogger, mostly because I am a personal blogger and why the heck you want to read about my life, I don’t know but it’s on the Net and it’s out there for the world to see. Therein lies my problem.
(BTW I am not sorry for being one of the featured. Nor anything else that followed. Neh neh neh neh neh)
Then there was this whole outlash about ‘famous’ bloggers and what-not. You know the saying ’siapa makan cili dialah rasa pedas’? Well that was me. Despite my friends telling me that I am doing good things with my blog and stuff, criticism no matter what always manages to bring me down a notch or ten. That’s my personality - I tend to brood over things too much even if I don’t often say what I feel. Simple tools such as Technorati can find you a lot of things and being the narcissistic self-inflicted overbearing bitch that I sometimes can be, well let’s just say that the results were not always kind. And when people tell me that my blog is great/good/nice etc, I feel like covering myself with mud because I don’t think that I am worthy of all that. But you know what? The most important lesson I learnt that was c’est la vie. That became another problem.
You know how sometimes things can make you an unwilling participant in other things? Bah fuck it with being cryptic.
In the very short period of time since the feature, I was kind of forced to grow up quickly, mostly as a blogger. Eh, I’m not REALLY complaining you know, because this is also in-line with me growing up as a person, entering adulthood (btw it’s my 24th birthday come Sept 22nd hehehe) and I realised the opportunities or rather, the styles I find myself leaning towards. My current most ideal blog personality would be John Scalzi (his link is somewhere on the main page’s right bar) but who am I kidding? I would never be able to write as beautifully as he does. Instead I’m stuck with wanting to stay as personal as I can but too fully aware of the repercussions.
It’s really not fun, you know. With my family reading my blog, I can’t write about very very personal stuff. With my bosses and colleagues reading my blog, I can never bitch about work (not that I really want to, ‘coz actually my job is a dream but there goes the choice). With my close friends reading my blog, I can never bitch about them (bwahahaha). In fact with the government people in power reading blogs, I can never bitch about them (too much) too. As I said there are always two or more sides to a story and I don’t want to commit myself before finding out the truth, but let me tell you this - I envy you bloggers who still have some privacy to write all these thing so close to your heart. I am nearly erupting with green gooey. Krakatoa has never seen anything like me.
So why the fuck I want to put my real name and real photos on my blog, or even let it be featured/ ping-ed/ known/ whored? Aren’t I bloody contradicting myself? Damn bloody two-faced hypocrite! BLAH! OK let me tell you this, inasmuch as it hurts, I BLOODY WELL LOVE THE ATTENTION! And I damn bloody well love it that the attention is reflected back to my blog where I have my real name as well as my photos etc. ‘Writing for myself’ almost never exists - when I write, I write for an (imaginary) audience and I have been doing this forever, even in my work. So right now I’m complaining that much of my privacy has been ‘taken’ away (don’t stop reading this please, I love you) yet I adore the hits, though not as much as other people’s but it’s still all mine. MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! Start another blog with no one knowing who I am? Yeah right, no deal for me. I want my cake and eat it too!
If you are asking, ‘is that so wrong?’ let me just tell you this : yes it is. Most people think that blogs are just blogs and the bloggers should have the freedom to write whatever they want to write. Oh sure, go ahead, don’t let the door of immaturity hit you on the way out.
Freedom of speech is NOT an excuse for irresponsibility. That’s a lesson to be learnt and I sincerely hope that you would not have to learn it the hard way.
So what I’m saying is… I don’t really know what I’m saying. As before I lost the point and the plot somewhere in the middle. But IF I really have to try in order to make this post more coherent, I would say it’s a stage where I am grasping with the fact that I have to be more responsible with a lot of things, yet missing the good ol’ carefree days, yet knowing that growing up with all its bringings is inevitable. Yet… Ahhh the demons, angels, higher demons and higher angels fighting within themselves inside me… you should try it sometime.
Time to hit the sack. This post was brought to you by 4 bottles of Hoegaarden White, 5 cans of Carlsberg and too much incoherent self-reflection at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. Enjoy.
Tags: drunk, emo
Oh no! Suanie speaks the truth and bites REALLY close to the bone.
I can’t say I’m ‘writing for myself,’ any more. You’ve gone and blown everyone’s cover, that’s what you’ve done.
*Two thumbs up*
*Runs for cover, dodging irate bloggers who ‘blog for themselves.’*
tl:dr :p
But I come here coz you’re my friend and I am interested in your life, your writing and, well… just because…
Miss seeing you, fluffy
I’ve been reading your blog even before the Star Two article.
Suanie.net is unpredictable, colourful (post-wise and also the pics) and interesting… added to this fact is that the real reason I keep coming is because Suanie is damn hot!
Content wise, I like it as it is… if I don’t then why the heck should I drop by, right? You don’t really need to explain the specifics behind your writing style, it’s irrelevant to the readers.
Blogging is not like writing books where you need to be concerned with things like whether “consumers” are going to like it. Blogging gives you the utmost freedom to write what you want in whatever style you choose. Most bloggers choose to write in their own style… being true to themselves. Others are more into popularity and commercialisation. I must say that I see you in the first category.
So there… I’m here, and will continue visiting your blog because I like doing so.
Cheers,
Azmeen
perhaps out of line, and contradicting your thoughts on this.
this place, this bit of the universe you’ve taken refuge in is yours.
yes, there are consequences.
yes, there are many times where you wonder, shit, should i really have said that?
but then, a blog, for the most of us, is a place to come and let it all out. ramble ramble rant rant.
we always say there’s the little x button if you don’t like what i say.
this is your place. your thoughts. your corner in the world to say how you feel.
so do it.
with pride, with cheek, with smiles, with anger, with..?
write what you want to say, feel how you want to feel, but be prepared to take the consequences.
of course, that’s also easier said than done.
so how?
do it until you don’t want to do it anymore-loh.
see, the truth of the matter is, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
so do whatever /you/ want to do and whatever works for /you/.
hugs
so fucking long but i read everything wheeee ok now gimme that chocolate bar adi. thank you bye bye .
I come here because I get no porn at home. kthxbai.
I came back to your blog after a long absence becos I just wanted to see what’s happening in your life. I read a lot of blogs but yours only once in a while cos sometimes there are too much rantings and stuff. But you blog for yourself
so keep it up. The thing is I only knew about your blog after the write up in the Star.
moral of the story is….
DAMN YOU CAN DRINK OR WHAT?
yeah with great power indeed comes great responsibility… and while some bloggers may say that it’s upto readers to decide for themselves, I think prominent bloggers should be more “careful” perhaps…when you blog entries, cuz more people will be watching you now…
yes it’s unfair you may say…you may ask “where’s my freedom”…but fame comes with a price I guess…
:o|
Honestly, if you had a choice, would you have preferred it if the Star never featured you?
You could always start over. I think quite a number of people do that. I suppose you have to decide how important you value your anonymity.
i started blogging as a medium to collect my thought aka soul searching and stuff like that.. now it kindna turn in to a play ground, shear event, place to know more ppl and to be known.. a chater box?
oh.. just chill.. btw.. dam u women.. u REALLY can drink and write.. lol..
eh I’m chillin’… this was almost a tongue-in-cheek post… almost.
as Scalzi said, life is not known for being fair.
Honestly? As I might have mentioned, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I was never anonymous in the first place - it’s just that more and more people are getting internet access and knowing more about blogs.
Am not sorry. neh neh neh neh neh. And it’s still not my fault you haven’t got a… er… never mind.. hehe.
As for the point of the whole tirade in the first place, I have just this to say: GODDAMN, I’m glad I’m (semi)-anonymous on my blog!
not at one continuous shot lah… got a short break in between, that’s why can still tahan
I can’t remember how I stumbled upon your blog but it’s definitely way before you got featured in ThStar. All I know is, the first time I came to this site and saw that pic of yours, I was like “Eh, she look like some cute Malay young short-film director”. LOL…I think it’s the hat and the smile and the lighting of the picture =P And then I found out, oh ceh…she’s so fair….fairer than me summore and she’s not some cute Malay young short-film director
Hor… you copy and paste… part of your title.
and then you got me.. sigh the irony of life
hehehe you know what I was implying meh?
everything is your fault, that’s why you have to marry me if no one wants me
I’ll definitely keep this in mind. Cheers Azmeen, you make lots of sense
hehe thanks. yeah see how long blog will stay up eh
actually centerpide: being responsible has nothing to do with fame… being responsible applies in every occasion.
just because you’re not so well known doesn’t justify you can say whatever you want.
the only difference is … when you’re more famous, people are ‘allowed’ to pick on you. but if you’re not so wellknown and you blog without thinking (or comment without thinking), people will still talk. just that they don’t make that talk open.
Hi Suanie
I am one of those who found your blog a few days before it was made feymes by the Star. From Jay’s blog, I think.
Well, why do I come here? It’s because you write about yourself. About your thoughts, opinions, happenings in your life.
And I like that. I like blogs which allow me to see and know someone for who she is. Not some attention-seeking and traffic-generating obsessive blogger.
At the same time, an interesting read which also makes me chuckle. ;P
I suppose I am being a bit selfish here as I am thinking from the readers’ point of view.
You will have to bear the responsibility of what you say and who you talked about.
You don’t regret how things have turned out, but perhaps it’s near your birthday and it’s time for some reflection on how things might have been.
I do that sometimes too, looking back and see how things are or might have been. And I tell myself that some things are not within my control and I have to live with it the best way I can.
Also, things which might have been may not be better anyway - there are just too many variables in life.
Even though this is supposed to be a rant, I read it till the end. And I can actually understand what it feels like - even though I am new to this blogging business and have never experience this fame thing - for reasons which are obvious.
Or maybe I just come here because I don’t have many female friends and you are like a virtual-pseudo fag hag ;P
Cheers.
Derek
I’m here cos I love you muah.
Everyone blogs for attention, those who say they do it for themselves are like women that don’t mastrubate.
Liars..
Your blog is unique in itself, it’s about your life, but it’s with a sharp outlook at a witty commentary, that’s why people read it’s not like you write..
“T0daY I wan 2 StArb8X and haf some kaFee!~!”
first of all, i like your blog. although the layout and colours could use some help
i love reading you, your life, your friends and how you all do crazy stuffs. i love the personal things you write. i love the pictures, i love the straw hat. i love other readers here.
blogging is a tool for communication, it could also be a diary, something personal.
there are two types of blogs in my view, transactional and interactional.
transactional uses their blog to spread views and informations like jeffooi’s or lks.
interactional are blogs written to maintain relationships and make friends or simply put personal. yours is an interactional blog suanie. just like mine
we blog for our friends, to create and widen our perspective, to make friends even.. i’m sure you’ve made quite a number of friends in the blogosphere, mee for example.
in the end, stick to your own style, it evolves and if the readers like it, they evolve along with you.
ITs becoz u r who u r and u dare to blog them.
I am happy my road tax is now RM30 a month.
nope… I am a dumb BC.
but then again you dunno what you typing, how I know what you implying leh?
i come here because i sayang you too xoxo:-) oso because in this writer’s opinion you have an exceptional gift of the (writing) gab. you make your train of thought so coherent and best of all, accessible. itulah pasal people want to know you/get into your brain:-)
Well, I found Suanie’s blog by chance, i think maybe even from mini’s site, who knows
but my list of must-read blogs have grown. I visit Suanie’s blog daily, because suanie’s style is unique to herself. It’s funny, and damn interesting. LOL.
BTW, my birthday’s on 18th
bwahahah. so suanie give me a birthday present first lah, then i give u one 
hehe.
It’s TVSmith’s fault I’m here.
Why I read ah?
Your writing’s funny.
Your adventures with the Fiery Lubricating Horny Sotongs are always fun to read.
With so many people out there who try so hard to be someone else, it’s nice to read a blog by someone who’s as authentic as you are.
And will return your boxer shorts next time I singgah. Muahahaha.
come to think of it,, seeing that neh neh neh part in your blog makes me think dirty.
WAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA OK>
What ever happened to those short little posts I have grown to love? Hehhheh…
You should drink more. Makes very interesting entries… :p
I always read everything … of course, if I didn’t, I’d be forced to get myself a life!
That’s true. Everyone is a role model!
(Which is why I hate celebrities who claim they aren’t! … well, hat eis probably too stong a word, I just disagree with them!)
“Everyone blogs for attention, those who say they do it for themselves are like women that don’t mastrubate.
Liars..”
Trying not to sound disagreeable, but what you’re saying is putting a rather ‘Sanguine’ personality trait onto all bloggers. No tall bloggers are extroverts and not all are attention seekers.
Many a Melancholic, or Phlegmatic blogs as methods for expression and attempting to help others. They can do this anonymously (so that they don’t become a centre of attention) while also fullfilling their creative or altruistic needs.
[Hope that all makes sense].
Basically, don’t assume you understand a persons motives.
[No, I'm not claiming anything on my behalf here. Just mentioning it for people to think about. Fuel for thought, as it is.]
Couldn’t think of a more diplomatic way to put it. Sorry.
def a lot more than 250 words right? got to cater to jeemee mah… since i sayang him
“Why I am here (and what I did on my summer vacation)” by Dabido-Lee Sutebenson, aged 40 and a third!
Ahem! (Just clearing my throat) … Ahem!
I am here because you came into AE one night (and those from AE know what I am talking about), and said, “Hey all you Morons, visit my blog site, or else!” Knowing that the term moron was your pet name for me, I instantly came over to your blog site (plus I didn’t want to find out what ‘or else’ meant, because you are so scarey and everything!)
Actually, (being honest), when you came into AE and asked everyone very nicely to visit your blog, I came because … well, you are my AE son-in-law, (I won’t explain that) and my AE friend … and I like to support my friends in their endeavours.
So I hopped on over and had a look.
As you know, I have many other ‘AE daughters’ (yes, I have strong paternal instincts), and I often read their blogs, (those who have them) too.
I keep coming back, because of something Daniel Stern said about his radio show … he said that when he started it (the shock jock thing), he knew he had to be ‘himself’ or the thing wouldn’t work. I feel that same sort of honesty in the writing on your blog (plus I don’t think you know how to be anyone except you!)
Plus, I also feel that sometimes you just plain write what I feel … for example, when you write about being depressed etc etc … it’s always good to find someone who can express the same (or similar) emotions that I sometimes feel and know that I am not alone in those feelings … it’s an empathy thing. (Okay, I admit, I am usually not feeling those things at the same time as you … but I recognise them).
Hope that makes sense.
THE END.
my blog whoring days are so so so nearly over…
and i do agree with minishorts about the neh neh neh part.
i was like wtf suddenly come out neneh?
Huh? Who, When , How, What, Where?
I love you sweetie
keep me laughing
Please dont stop believing in yourself…..
It the essence of you that makes this blog very very entertaining…
i Log on almost everyday to hoping to see something new from you……
You are like addictive, essential to my daily life since i found you……
Dont stop cos….
I love Suanie.net….
aiyoh write so much, we go yum char better lah
site’s back up! i fantasise about your boobies.
Ok. Now time for me to return your hug…
“Please dont stop believing in yourself…..”
We all know what happens when you stop beliveing in yourself.
Plato goes to a Philosophers convention, and finds the hotel didn’t have his room booking.
He says to the clerk behind the desk, “No worries, just tell me where Renee Descatre’s room is.”
So the clerk tells him.
Plato goes up to Descartes room and knocks on the door. Descartes opens it.
Plato says, “Renee, I think you have my room!”
Descartes replies, “I think not!” and immediately disappears.
I can’t figure out why I read your blog. Because I know it’s here, and that I might score a laugh or two, and it’s not that difficult to click on a link, I guess
I like blogs that make me laugh, or are marked very strongly by the owner’s personality. I make it sound like a tree a dog pissed on, no?
I come by irregularly. That said, I like your blog for the laughs and occasional insight.
Your honesty and self-deprecation doesn’t come off phony. Despite the temptation of being a “Mean Girl” or pandering to an audience that the Star’s spotlight has afforded you, you have pretty much resisted.
Most importantly, you’ve displayed depth of character in the fact that you are rarely contemptuous of your readers. There’s SUCH a difference btwn bitching, and being a bitch.
your blog’s contents are farnie and entertaining, that’s why people come back.
But, serioulsy am more concerned about you getting over September. COME ON! Snap out of it. Things are really not that bad…. it’s just all in the head. Besides, you know what to do when you need to let it all out… Chilis!
Thank you all people, for giving me your time in jotting your comments. I appreciate them.
Jimmy, the part where you said about evolving; it’s so true
cos u rite interesting stuff sometimes, but most of the time i think u r kinda funi and cute hahaha pbp. really.