don’t panic

In the beginning the Internet was created. This has made a lot of people excited and been widely regarded as a ticket to fill the gaping holes in their much unsatisfactory lives, and thus generally a bad move.

It begins with a blog.

Tucked away in bloglivion is a sniping teeth-baring underpaid overworked scribbler who somehow makes a difference to Blogtopia Zone 92′s education system. For the sake of what is temporarily called an argument in… oh for the fun of it let’s call it the name-dropping plugging, we shall call the sniping teeth-baring underpaid overworked scribbler The Shorts-Wearing Elf.

The Blogger’s Guide to Blogtopia has this to say about Elves, “Mostly harmless”.

“This must be a Tuesday,’ said The Shorts-Wearing Elf to herself, sinking low over the grammatical mistake overload and bombastical-happy lines, “‘I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.”

Zpp zpp zpp.

Enter the most miserable of all miserable cowboys, The Cowboy, way past his gun-totting prime into the inevitable beckoning slums of saggy beer belly and wrinkly tits.

“Elf, we need to talk.”

“Talk.”

“I’ve been talking to the receptionist.”

“And?”

“She refused to have sex with me.”

“Nooooooo,” The Elf sniffed impassively.

“Just thought you would like to know.”

The Blogger’s Guide to Blogtopia has a few things to say on the subject of sex. Sex, it says, is about the most massively consequential act of communication between two, three or more Earthlings. Partly it fulfils a certain physical need; you can have sex on your couch, in your kitchen, in the toilet, at a foam party; you can have sex with just about anyone of the same or opposite sex; you can have sex at anytime of the day or night, all year long if you like.

More importantly, sex has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a stud or slut has more sex than what is deemed necessary for overall health reasons, the Earthling would automatically be regarded as also be in possesion of various tricks, styles, techniques and methods pertaining to foreplay, fellatio, penetration and the aftermath. Furthermore, the Earthling will then hailed as a successful hustler and will make new friends of all sorts, further increasing his or her chances of getting laid. What the ordinary Earthling will think is that any hustler worth his salt and knows where, when, what and how to poke is clearly an Earthling to be reckoned with.

Hence a phrase which has passed into sex slang, as in “Hey, you banged that batang keras hustler? There’s a force who really knows how to dispose the condom after.” (banged: make love, batang keras: desirable, dispose: courtesy, condom: necessary.)

For newbie Earthlings still in learning, guidance comes in the form of a teenage counselor.

“Not even when I told her that I am a lesbian.”

Resistance to a conversation is useless. Might as well pack up and go home.

The Cowboy sighed, “This is the end of my life as I know it. She was Teh One. Now I shall have to glue my heavy self onto a chair and download porn from Kara’s Playground.”

“No way, your beauty knows no bounds.”

“You think?”

“Chances for you to find Miss Right is pretty slim for everyone are but pitiful shadows next to your glowing image.”

“You really mean this don’t you? You are not saying all this because you feel sorry for me?”

“I feel sorry for all the rest of mankind. Jealousy will flood through the male population once you inevitably rise to fame.”

With that, The Elf left.

Blabber Bimbo Bambo the receptionist bears the sweet angelic smile of a hopeful innocent, the last remaining glitter of virtue in this Shangri-la of sin. That which means a sickening countenence to the rest of the lost sheep, almost simpering as she silently prays to be chosen. Chosen as what? Chosen by whom?

The Blogger’s Guide to Blogtopia has this to say about Being Chosen, “It will never happen to you.”

But the Blabber Bimbo Bambo was not to know of this. And so flashing her nauseating pearly whites like the guinea pig who does not know what was about to eat hit her, happily chirps,

“Good Tuesday!”

With a swift turn of the head, The Shorts -Wearing Elf glared sharply at Blabber Bimbo Bambo.

“What is so good about Tuesday?”

“Errr… ”

The Elf continued, “Is it just this Tuesday? Or is it every Tuesday? Does that mean Wednesday is better? What about Friday? Is that the best? How do you know Tuesday is good? Who says? Did you?”

“Well, I guess..” What she guessed in her limited supply of grey matter we would never know, for The Elf cuts in again.

“Does that mean you only do good things on good Tuesday? Or does bad things become good? Does that mean if I do all my bad stuff on good Tuesday, I will still go to heaven?”

Shocked into momentarily enlightenment, Blabber Bimbo Bambo had only one thing to say,

Cheesin.”

The Shorts-Wearing Elf took another look at the pitiful whimpering lump cowering before her then slowly walked away, certain in the satisfying knowledge that yet another person’s life would never again be the same.

the stock market of relationships

Thus have I heard : On a certain irrelevant occasion surrounded by massive amounts of cold yellow liquid of life, TWB constructed a new theory;

“A relationship is just like an investment.”

Some people like a bit of this, a bit of that and a bit of everything. So they buy speculative stock. The problem with speculative stock – especially if the investor is overly confident or overly gullible is that you tend to get burnt. Bad.

You want a safer bet than jumping the guns? Then you buy blue chips, you know, like Genting or McDonalds. Sometimes there may be a bit of problems like Telekom getting massive shit loads of complaints. But at the end of the day your investment will still be fruitful.

If you belong to the ‘no-risk’ category, then what you do is you get a fixed deposit. Sure, it is as boring as it sounds, but long term gain can only go up.

But no matter what you invest in, stay away from ‘skim cepat kaya‘.

Woman, you are a bleeding book

TWB makes a lot of sense sometimes. So much that I requested and was granted permission to share Loke’s views (and of those around him) on my blog.

You see, a girl is just like a book. In fact the lead up to all relationships can be analysed based on this side by side comparison.

Face it – every book is judged by its cover. If the book cover looks nice and new, you would probably be tempted to walk over and pick it up. A book cover that is badly designed shows that the author didn’t really make an effort.

Then again there are other forces in play. If the book was written by a famous author or the title is different and catches your eye, then if you have time in the bookstore you would most likely pick up the book.

That’s when you walk over.

Then maybe, just maybe the cover design is interesting enough to make you want to find out more about the book. So what do you do? You flip over to the back cover to read the blurb.

That’s when you say hello, let the introductions begin.

If the blurb is interesting then like any experienced book buyer you would squat down the aisle and flip the pages. If it looks promising you would walk to the provided benches in the bookstore to read the first couple chapters.

That’s when you take her out on dates.

If you like what you have read so far, then how? Buy the book to read at home la…

That’s when you develop a relationship with her.

If the book is good, you would probably introduce it to your friends. But all hell breaks loose if they ‘borrow’ your copy and you never see it again. So how? Tell them to buy their own copy la.

Some books remain favourites even when they are old and tattered. These people are called loyal readers. You want my copy of LOTR? Go fuck yourself.

Some people buy the books then sell it off after they read it. These people are called ‘playboys’.

Some people leave the books on the shelf never to be read again for the rest of their lives. These people are called ‘married’.

Then a very philosophical friend said,

“Even bad books are sacred, and therefore precious.”

What is the moral of the story?

Woe be us

Harga petrol naik
Tapi gaji masih sama
Ingat nak beli BMX
Tapi takut kena langgar
Pasal pemandu Malaysia buat tak kisah
Ntah-ntah salah saya
Tapi apa boleh buat
Pak Lah kata itu semua manfaat
Gomen pun you yang undi
Rakyatlah yang kena buli
Pelik juga macam ini
Kena buli sendiri sudi
Pastu pek pok pek pok
Macam mak nenek nyanyuk
Tapi bila kena saman
Rela kasi duit sogok
Entahlah wahai negara tercinta
Semuanya pun tidak apa
Nak hidup macam orang kaya
Tanyalah sikit, duit tu dari mana?
Malas aku nak membedek
Sekali salah cakap masuk ISA.

Petrol price increased
But our salaries remain the same
I thought of buying a bicycle
But I’m scared of being hit
For Malaysian drivers do not give a shit
And in the end it would still be my fault
But what can we do
Pak Lah (Malaysia’s PM) said it all benefits
You are the one who voted for this government
You are the one who ends up being bullied
It’s quite strange, really
It’s like you are willing to be bullied
After that you would sure complain
But when you get a traffic summons
You are willing to bribe the officers
Oh my beloved country
“It’s ok” be your motto
You want to live like a rich man
Ask yourself, where did the money come from?
I do not want to take aim at anyone
One wrong word and I might end up in ISA (Internal Security Act).

The Rowers

I think I’ve heard this one before, but me ma told it to me again last week.

It is so true that it makes you think and re-think eh?

— — — — — — — — —

Every year Malaysia and Japan would have a boat rowing competition. For years the Japanese team always beat the Malaysia team by a few hundred metres. Naturally the Malaysian government was not very pleased about this. During one of their meetings they decided to try fix the problem. However they could not come up with any solution, hence they hired a consultation firm to help them.

Off the consultants went to work. After some research they found out that every rowing team had 8 people. The Japanese team had 1 captain and 7 rowers, whereas the Malaysian team had 7 captains and 1 rower. They passed this finding to the government.

Of course nobody was happy; we can’t go on losing every time, we must reconstruct the team. They asked the consultants to come out with a solution, which they did after some time. A new structure must be implemented, they said, there cannot be 7 captains and 1 rower. Instead there should be 1 manager, 2 assistant managers, 4 captains and 1 rower. And so it was done.

The following year the Malaysian team lost to the Japanese team by 1 kilometre. Naturally the Malaysian government was very angry. They told the consultants that it was their idea in the first place and now they have to fix the problem.

When the consultants return with their new findings, they told the government that it was not their structure’s fault but the fault of the rower for not working hard enough.

They sacked the rower.