When the blood flows

Menstruating is one annoying expensive bloody mess of an affair.

I don’t know about you, but it is no fun to be me. Perhaps the faceless bodyless powers that be forgot to check the box that would have allowed me to be slightly normal before tossing me into the reincarnation cooking pot.

For the sake of argument, let’s say that my period comes regularly once a month, right on the dot when it’s supposed to flow. That means 18 DAYS of mild depression and apathy. Then comes the ooze, 5 DAYS to sputter and dry. Assuming there are only 30 days in a month, that means I have only 7 DAYS to be happy. That is some screwed up mathematics.

Before :
I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to meet people. Feels lumpy, grumpy, bite me. Oh, you know.

During :
So far I’ve never once woken up in the middle of the night to find that I’ve bled all over my bed. I suppose that is lucky. There’s this sort of instinct you know, like unspoken communication with your body and the horrors it is about to unleash. Since November 1994 I’ve always waited it out. Just sit and wait. Watch tv, whatever. Except for one time in school when a friend finally told me that I’d been walking all around with a huge reddish patch on the back of my sky blue pinafore. Convent school, so I was sort of lucky too.

The first two days are the worst. I’d feel sluggish, heavy, you know the works. And the body pain! Sit down for more than an hour and my butt cheeks would feel as if they’d been flogged with a malicious mallet. Then I’d walk awkwardly as if I were too fat to even see my own toes. Sort of like the walk when you had been seriously humped by Andre the Giant. Then people look at you funny and hence make their own assumptions that Andre had indeed been at work. Yeah right. I’d fuck a horse if it meant that I get any real sex. And then the expensive purchase of human sheep. I have to buy 3 types of sheep – first is the Playtex Slimfits with Super Absorbency. It doesn’t come cheap but it helps a lot if you have to go out.

Second is the Whisper Ultra for heavy flow, comes with overnights-wings. The one wrapped in purple plastic. For the exorbitant price tag it makes me feel safe and comfortable at night; thin yet with damn tough soaking powers. I’d wear this with a tampon on the first couple days if I had to go out – fuck I wouldn’t be caught dead outside with a telling patch on me pants. Guys if you buy this for your girlfriends, they would be so touched that they would let you shag them during their periods.

Then comes the Sofy normal BodyFit because it is cheap and I use them like running water. The first two nights I would use one Whisper Ultra and three Sofy. If the period was particularly heavy, I’d slip in one tampon too.

I’d always been amazed when friends tell me that they could do with just one overnight pad through the night. Doesn’t it spill?!? Just because you go to sleep doesn’t mean the blood stops oozing. And because you lie down on your back, it oozes through your butt crack to your linen. If you never had this experience and would like to know what it feels like, lie down on your back, pour some honey on your balls and let it flow backwards. Almost like foreplay except that no one is going to lick it.

For clarification’s sake, it does not mean that it’s the Grand Canyon down there. I just roll around a lot when I sleep.

And ladies : dumping your bloody pad into the toilet or unwrapped in the bin beside it is seriously gross, ok. I have my own blood, I sure as hell don’t want to see yours.

After :
When the final trickles stop, it’s back to 25 days of pantyliners.

Then I’d be happy. I’d go out. I’d see my friends. I’d go clubbing. I’d smile and laugh.

After 8 days the cycle continues.

All this trouble and I don’t even want to have my own kids.

Really.

comments

Comments

  1. Whoa… I have been enlightened… I now view the humble sanitary pad in a different light…

  2. “Guys if you buy this for your girlfriends, they would be so touched that they would let you shag them during their periods. ”

    Er no thanks…got my red-rings, not somewhere I want to go again :D

  3. Happy Hours! As Dracula would say… The dangling string is sexy. Pity you have to cover it :(

  4. Regarding the human sheep, have you considered using tampons to block the liquids inside till you have a more opportune moment to flush them out?

  5. LOL very screwable
    the Master loves this lovely lady

  6. Yeah, you’re rite. Menstration is a bitch. The girl can be so grumpy that she is impossible to talk to. Also impossible to screw. Can’t wait till the 8 days are over. Sorry to hear that you don’t have a big cheebai. Don’t worry about it.

  7. LMAO!

  8. That’s why i dont’ trust women that bleed7 days a month and still can’t die !!!!

  9. hmm I guess if I have to? But I try not to go out too much when I’m menstruating.

  10. you like ‘em big eh

  11. Of course lah. Small ones are almost impossible to fit it in, even after half an hour of trying. After that, where got mood some more?

  12. There was once in Perhentian with my family, I was on my 2nd day and bleeding furiously. I gotto jump into the water because it’s so inviting, so I used my cousin’s tampon. In the water, my cousin said, “Hmm… the sharks love blood and I saw some black tip reef sharks swimming around.” I got out from the water as “speedy” as I jumped into the water. Real cibai I tell you.

  13. lol hey suanie, been good? im due for my period anytime soon, and yeahhhh the waiting is bad…

    the really bad moody cass
    the facial breakout

    arrrrrrrrggg being a woman ;)

  14. villager says:

    good post… ever try sleeping upside down?

  15. kotex overnight wing rocks…only one to get me through the night. and it’s ramli, wantanmee, pisang goreng and stuff for other things

  16. So the general consensus is for men to now buy Tampons for their women and not Flowers. Okay, making note now! Whisper Ultra for Heavy Flow! Kool. Been a long time since I bought tampons for a lady … but will remember it for next date I go on.
    As for sex during period … eeeeeeeewwwwwww!

  17. Sometimes I cut myself when shaving… erm… I’ll shut up now. Nic.

  18. suanie says:

    so the blood from my brain flows out as well? :D

  19. suanie says:

    cass you are hot

  20. suanie says:

    ahem. I guess the baking post says it all eh

  21. suanie says:

    misai’s indomee goreng, watanhor, keropok lekor the fat ass bits & durex

  22. Woman is the only species in this world that can bleed for days every month and still survive.

  23. LOL..but isn’t period/menses signify womanhood? it’s a joy to have!

    i mean, if it could be less messy…in whatever ways.

  24. Women, they’re a grammatical nightmare! There’s just too many periods!

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