Menstruating is one annoying expensive bloody mess of an affair.
I don’t know about you, but it is no fun to be me. Perhaps the faceless bodyless powers that be forgot to check the box that would have allowed me to be slightly normal before tossing me into the reincarnation cooking pot.
For the sake of argument, let’s say that my period comes regularly once a month, right on the dot when it’s supposed to flow. That means 18 DAYS of mild depression and apathy. Then comes the ooze, 5 DAYS to sputter and dry. Assuming there are only 30 days in a month, that means I have only 7 DAYS to be happy. That is some screwed up mathematics.
I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to meet people. Feels lumpy, grumpy, bite me. Oh, you know.
So far I’ve never once woken up in the middle of the night to find that I’ve bled all over my bed. I suppose that is lucky. There’s this sort of instinct you know, like unspoken communication with your body and the horrors it is about to unleash. Since November 1994 I’ve always waited it out. Just sit and wait. Watch tv, whatever. Except for one time in school when a friend finally told me that I’d been walking all around with a huge reddish patch on the back of my sky blue pinafore. Convent school, so I was sort of lucky too.
The first two days are the worst. I’d feel sluggish, heavy, you know the works. And the body pain! Sit down for more than an hour and my butt cheeks would feel as if they’d been flogged with a malicious mallet. Then I’d walk awkwardly as if I were too fat to even see my own toes. Sort of like the walk when you had been seriously humped by Andre the Giant. Then people look at you funny and hence make their own assumptions that Andre had indeed been at work. Yeah right. I’d fuck a horse if it meant that I get any real sex. And then the expensive purchase of human sheep. I have to buy 3 types of sheep – first is the Playtex Slimfits with Super Absorbency. It doesn’t come cheap but it helps a lot if you have to go out.
Second is the Whisper Ultra for heavy flow, comes with overnights-wings. The one wrapped in purple plastic. For the exorbitant price tag it makes me feel safe and comfortable at night; thin yet with damn tough soaking powers. I’d wear this with a tampon on the first couple days if I had to go out – fuck I wouldn’t be caught dead outside with a telling patch on me pants. Guys if you buy this for your girlfriends, they would be so touched that they would let you shag them during their periods.
Then comes the Sofy normal BodyFit because it is cheap and I use them like running water. The first two nights I would use one Whisper Ultra and three Sofy. If the period was particularly heavy, I’d slip in one tampon too.
I’d always been amazed when friends tell me that they could do with just one overnight pad through the night. Doesn’t it spill?!? Just because you go to sleep doesn’t mean the blood stops oozing. And because you lie down on your back, it oozes through your butt crack to your linen. If you never had this experience and would like to know what it feels like, lie down on your back, pour some honey on your balls and let it flow backwards. Almost like foreplay except that no one is going to lick it.
For clarification’s sake, it does not mean that it’s the Grand Canyon down there. I just roll around a lot when I sleep.
And ladies : dumping your bloody pad into the toilet or unwrapped in the bin beside it is seriously gross, ok. I have my own blood, I sure as hell don’t want to see yours.
When the final trickles stop, it’s back to 25 days of pantyliners.
Then I’d be happy. I’d go out. I’d see my friends. I’d go clubbing. I’d smile and laugh.
After 8 days the cycle continues.
All this trouble and I don’t even want to have my own kids.