If you are a regular shopper or your office is located in a massive shopping centre, you would have long noticed the exasperating phenomenon that is your life whizzing by in front of your eyes, bringing you one step closer to god and what-not.
Is that a bird? Is that a plane?
No, it’s the fucking irritating hazardous irresponsible future generation.
We all know about the big families who enjoy walking around shopping malls with members of their big families, hogging walkways while they suddenly stop to admire products at window displays. Mushy couples sickeningly in love either holding hands or caressing their partners’ bottoms when they think no one else is watching, taking their own sweet forever time strolling along. Prams with the cutest toddlers being pushed by ‘I-don’t-care-if-I-block-your-path parents. Good friends of the same sex insecure of the masses holding each others’ hands giggling at the slightest things, such as seeing knickers on display at La Senza.
Then you have the terror kids in wheels.
First I want to pick the kids up by their ankles, hang them upside them, tear the killing shoes with my other hand then smack their butts silly for causing much anguish and fear among sensible people like the rest of us. If they try to wriggle or put up a fight I would smack them harder; putting other people in grave danger was fun, wasn’t? When they cry until they could cry no more I would make them sit with similar offenders at the Midvalley centre stage, give them a huge cardboard sign that says “I am a reformed shoes wheeling-happy brat and I am sorry” and leave them there for 10 hours. That should do the trick.
Next – the parents for failing in their duties to warn their children to be careful. Worse, forked out the money to buy these ridiculous senseless things for their kids, thus not only harming their kids who more often than not would fall and break something or the other, but also for ‘allowing’ them to end up guilt-ridden (I hope) and thoroughly humiliated at the Midvalley centre stage.
Their punishment for this atrocity upon humankind? Very simple. Tie them up together and leave them standing at the red dots shown below.
Good things always come in three. Initially I wanted to inflict some misery upon the entire conception/design/manufacturing team responsible for this outrageous craze, but then I remembered another group of people more accountable.
Sweet older folks in canes and flowery prints who can bake beautiful scrumptious cookies. That’s right, the grandparents. Charity begins at home so they are guilty of not educating their children to be more responsible for THEIR children. And also for allowing their grandkids to cause havoc and terror in supposedly safe places such as shopping malls.
Least I am accused of barbaric thoughts towards senior citizens, I would like to remind you of the number of old folks very nearly knocked down by these screaming yoddlers.
But I am the type of person who would give up my seat on the bus/ LRT/ MTR/ MRT for senior folks, so my very kindly request for the grandpas and grannies is :
Stand around in shopping complexes and hand out free packets of condoms (Durex no less) with a single leaflet of information bearing the warning below :
WARNING! Unprotected penetration may result in a FUTURE GENERATION VERY MUCH HAZARDOUS to the WELL BEING of SOCIETY. RECOMMENDATION : Poke with EXTREME care.