To want it all

“Watching you walk out of my life hasn’t made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

On certain late nights when I have no better use for my grey matter, my mind would start wandering off to faraway worlds of royalty, knights, white horses, frogs and wands.

Because it never happens to you. In this case, me. It always happens to someone else. And as fate would have it, someone you know, someone you hang out with or someone you just talk to. What about you? You are always there in the scene of course. But never on the first billing. You are the supporting actor. The one who listens, encourages and then watch on as their love story unfolds. You hear tales of how romantic the other half could be, you provide the shoulder when the drama takes a turn for the worse, you smile with happiness when the end credits come on.

I will always remember something Buckaroo wrote eons ago. Something along the lines of he wanting to be the one who makes all the grand gestures. The one who says all the romantic words. A speech that Norah Ephron would be proud of. The flowers, the candles, the violins.

I remember because I think about this notion all the time. In short, I want to be The One. To Receive. To Accept. To Smile. To Laugh. To Cry. To Give. To Lust. To Love. Joy. Intensity. Desire. Spirit. Passion.

Someone to touch. To feel his skin. To stand so close that you could hear him breathe. The tick of his ear when he is angry. The lines on the eyes when he smiles. Knuckles that grip yours so tight that they might break. Our comfortable silences. Our unspoken moments. To belong. To grow with.

When will I be on first billing? When will it finally be my turn? When will my big moment come?

I am tired of watching by the sidelines. Somehow I still believe that my own romance is not dead, hopeless. It is just buried deep underground, awaiting a fresh lease ready to carry us off our feet onto floating clouds. But will there be someone, anyone who can tell me that it is worth holding on to? Because I won’t believe forever.

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Comments

  1. it’s true. we all wonder at one point when we’re gonna be the lead in the movie. the one whom every woman wants to be and every man loves.

  2. dont worry darling … u’ll be the lead one day :P … same goes for me ….. and im like almost left on the shelf already …. so fret not my love one :P

  3. uhm…i kinda meant u have an advantage … cuz ur alot younger than me :P hehee

  4. You really shud shag this weekend. :D

  5. Ah… Meimei is tired… Oh so tired… So she shall not seek… She shall wait to be seeked… Meanwhile, she shall dream of her knight in shining armour.. Current fav acting out the role in her mind is Takeshi Kaneshiro. Have u seen a more desirable Jap mix Chin?! *Drool*

  6. Did i really say something romantics??

  7. Meimei come to me…I am horny. BTW my name is Takashi not Takeshi…

  8. You know something, when you suddenly become “the one” you’d get acute stage fright worrying if you got the right script. And some of us never get over this worrying!

    Personally,staying on the sidelines allows me to watch the pitfalls that could’ve been avoided by the main players, and I’m quite ok providing the comic relief. Somewhere along the way someone would always find me anyhows. And there you have it–the indie subplot of the movie… :)
    It’s ok being the Sandra Bullock sometimes *shrugs*

  9. oi! no flirting on my site!

  10. Suanie….my sentiments exactly. I thought i found the one..i thought we click….i thought of so many things…i blame god for letting us meet…i analyze every single word he says..the end result: he doesn’t think i am worth pursuing! So, my friend, when i read your blog, i thought to myself: it is heart-warming to know i am not alone and i hope my message will convey the same comfort your blog has given me. To want to be on the first billing…cheerios!

  11. Hi Sharon, thanks for sharing :) I think deep down every female wants the same thing. I merely express it in words that we all know exist inside. I am happy now but I don’t know for how long. But this happiness made it worth while. I hope you find the same because it is really the shite ;)

  12. No flirting??? Tell that to Takashi wannabe. N err, Knight in Shining Armour n Horny does not go together lor! NEXT PLS!!!

  13. oh wow… my sentiments exactly. EXACTLY… don’t know how much longer I can actually wait…

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