“Watching you walk out of my life hasn’t made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”
On certain late nights when I have no better use for my grey matter, my mind would start wandering off to faraway worlds of royalty, knights, white horses, frogs and wands.
Because it never happens to you. In this case, me. It always happens to someone else. And as fate would have it, someone you know, someone you hang out with or someone you just talk to. What about you? You are always there in the scene of course. But never on the first billing. You are the supporting actor. The one who listens, encourages and then watch on as their love story unfolds. You hear tales of how romantic the other half could be, you provide the shoulder when the drama takes a turn for the worse, you smile with happiness when the end credits come on.
I will always remember something Buckaroo wrote eons ago. Something along the lines of he wanting to be the one who makes all the grand gestures. The one who says all the romantic words. A speech that Norah Ephron would be proud of. The flowers, the candles, the violins.
I remember because I think about this notion all the time. In short, I want to be The One. To Receive. To Accept. To Smile. To Laugh. To Cry. To Give. To Lust. To Love. Joy. Intensity. Desire. Spirit. Passion.
Someone to touch. To feel his skin. To stand so close that you could hear him breathe. The tick of his ear when he is angry. The lines on the eyes when he smiles. Knuckles that grip yours so tight that they might break. Our comfortable silences. Our unspoken moments. To belong. To grow with.
When will I be on first billing? When will it finally be my turn? When will my big moment come?
I am tired of watching by the sidelines. Somehow I still believe that my own romance is not dead, hopeless. It is just buried deep underground, awaiting a fresh lease ready to carry us off our feet onto floating clouds. But will there be someone, anyone who can tell me that it is worth holding on to? Because I won’t believe forever.