As Suanie Sees It

I have been sick, struck by severe tonsillitis - however that is spelt. Initially I thought Chinese medicine would rid my woes but as fate would have it, Western technology has the cure.

I also realised that the monthly #2 Black is in East for September. Since my house faces East and the #2 is the Sickness Star… well there you go. Also should have realised earlier that Western medicine, not Chinese medicine would help my sickness this time round. Oh well.

One reason I didn’t update since the last post was because I was ‘in touch’ with that post. It is all just pure shameless, uncensored desire, yearning, wanting for something more. Feelings, the next one stronger than this and after that and after that and after that.

Another reason was because there is nothing certain in life and in many cases, when you are down the only way to go is up. I am still… not believing? Will take a long time for it to sink in.

But I think whether or not the boat will come again is not that important. Many things are out of one’s control. So long the boat is here and now, that keeps the harbour happy. When the boat sails everything will be back to normal. Or not. Depends on what the boat is really carrying. I don’t know. No one will know except for the captain. All remains to be seen. So if you know, don’t ask me anymore. I won’t be able to tell you more than what I have said.

CherryB, you are very right. I think the worrying takes precedence over being comfortable. But I can tell you now, I guarantee that you would be smiling all the time, in your heart, even long after everything is done with. That, I think makes the wait worthwhile. And that is why we keep holding on.

“Watching you walk out of my life hasn’t made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

On certain late nights when I have no better use for my grey matter, my mind would start wandering off to faraway worlds of royalty, knights, white horses, frogs and wands.

Because it never happens to you. In this case, me. It always happens to someone else. And as fate would have it, someone you know, someone you hang out with or someone you just talk to. What about you? You are always there in the scene of course. But never on the first billing. You are the supporting actor. The one who listens, encourages and then watch on as their love story unfolds. You hear tales of how romantic the other half could be, you provide the shoulder when the drama takes a turn for the worse, you smile with happiness when the end credits come on.

I will always remember something Buckaroo wrote eons ago. Something along the lines of he wanting to be the one who makes all the grand gestures. The one who says all the romantic words. A speech that Norah Ephron would be proud of. The flowers, the candles, the violins.

I remember because I think about this notion all the time. In short, I want to be The One. To Receive. To Accept. To Smile. To Laugh. To Cry. To Give. To Lust. To Love. Joy. Intensity. Desire. Spirit. Passion.

Someone to touch. To feel his skin. To stand so close that you could hear him breathe. The tick of his ear when he is angry. The lines on the eyes when he smiles. Knuckles that grip yours so tight that they might break. Our comfortable silences. Our unspoken moments. To belong. To grow with.

When will I be on first billing? When will it finally be my turn? When will my big moment come?

I am tired of watching by the sidelines. Somehow I still believe that my own romance is not dead, hopeless. It is just buried deep underground, awaiting a fresh lease ready to carry us off our feet onto floating clouds. But will there be someone, anyone who can tell me that it is worth holding on to? Because I won’t believe forever.